My 2011 dating year in review

Something old, something new, something tried and something true. 

Well folks, another year’s in the bag. Can’t really say that I was a big fan of 2011 but it sure brought many stories and learning experiences. Let’s take a quick walk down memory lane, shall we?

Something OLD

For those of you who have been following my blog for a while, I’m sure you have noticed that I have a ridiculous amount of guys in my life who for whatever reason just never go away. You can argue whatever you’d like about the reasoning, “he just broke up with his girl,” “he likes the attention,” “you respond to his texts,” etc., etc., trust me I have heard it all before.  The fact of the matter is that I have in some cases ignored these guys and in some cases indulged them, depending on the person and circumstance. I have given many of them beyond the benefit of the doubt (when they didn’t deserve it) and ample opportunity to redeem themselves, yet they always failed. Reflection moving forward: Some people DO deserve a second chance, but when they constantly underwhelm you, it’s really time to move on and not look back.

Something NEW

Online dating…I’ve been hearing all the hype for YEARS. I have a few friends who met online and ended up getting married. That’s great for them. I really pushed myself outside of my comfort zone this year and gave it a three month test. I met some interesting fellas but in the end they were guys I felt less compatible with than those I met in person and the experience just wasn’t for me. I’m not really a picture posting, profile writing type of person and it all felt very unauthentic, contrived and catalog-like to me. No disrespect to anyone using these services...if it works for you, then keep at it. And hey, you never know I may try it again someday but I do believe it’s just not for everyone and that everyone includes me (at the moment).  Reflection moving forward: The world is changing with many new dating channels out there and while they may not all be a good fit for you...it’s still worth giving them a chance.

Something TRIED

In 2011, more than any other year that I can recall, I tried going out with guys who I wasn’t gaga with from the get go. This may seem like a minor milestone but for someone like me who is guided by my gut, vibes, chemistry, and typically knows in 30 seconds if I am going to be interested in dating someone, it really took a lot of effort. What did I learn from these experiences? I met some really, really, nice guys and had some amazing dates but in the end I still wasn’t interested in any of them enough to keep it going. Reflection moving forward: Broaden your dating pool and give the nice guys who you might not be crazy about at first a chance…but don’t get your hopes up because in the end you’re probably just not going to be that into them. 

Something TRUE

I am a total romantic. I have a lot to offer and would love to meet that "don’t want to live without you type of person." But, regardless of whom I might go out with or how I met them, I stay true to myself. I’m not impressed by fancy dinners and gifts. Yes, they are nice but they are not going to persuade me to keep dating someone. If I’m not being treated properly or given the effort, consideration and respect that I deserve then I walk away. I try as best I can to be honest and open with guys so as to not lead them on, mistreat, or blow them off…I try to treat them how I’d like to be treated. I’ve been single waaayyy to long in this crazy city to settle now. Reflection moving forward: We all make mistakes but if we stay true to ourselves it will keep us moving forward to become an even better  person. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! 

Thank you for being a great sounding board this year. Your comments, likes, and stories have all helped me get through each day with compassion and laughs. Wishing you all lots of love in your life for 2012.

Dating Quirks That Drive Us Nuts!!!

We’ve all seen the hilarious Seinfeld episodes that feature unbearable daters, à la “she eats her peas one at a time.” Well, that’s actually one of my favorite things about dating, the quirks.  Sure, you have some interesting friends and acquaintances…but only when you cross that special dating line, do you get down to the really nitty-gritty, juicy, peculiar stuff that most people don’t want others to know about. 

I’ve dated some weirdos (gasp, shocking—right?) and I’m thrilled to find out that you have, too! Here’s a few of my own faves and a few shared by friends. You can decide for yourself which YOU would put up with.

The Toddler

“Look, ma—no hands!” He’s the guy who’s still OBSESSED with his penis. He pees with the door wide open using no hands (turns disastrous if something else suddenly catches his attention,) he walks around shaking and dangling his stuff whenever he can, and he still pees in the shower—ALL the time. Come on man, get a GRIP!

The Cross Dresser

He thinks it’s a turn on to wear whatever of yours he can get his hands on…garters, stockings, heels, bustier, and even Halloween wigs. Newsflash: most women do NOT like this, and WILL run out the door.

The Poor Groomer

He clips his nails in the kitchen sink. Umm—is there something wrong with the bathroom? My solution: save the clippings and serve him an extra side dish with his next meal!

The TMI’er

You just had sex and now he wants to tell you how he’s “slept with 9 other girls in the past 2 months” and how “the ‘younger girls’ really have no idea what they are doing.” REALLY?? Let’s reinstate the no talking after sex rule, thanks. 

The Mustache Metro

He spends HOURS in front of the mirror. If one piece of his hair, mustache, goatee or whatever is the slightest bit out of place, his whole day is ruined and hence, so is yours. Get over yourself, I know I did!

The Disturbed

He says things to you like “you look so good I want to chloroform you” or “let me know if you can’t breathe” as he chokes your throat. ALWAYS sleep with one eye open with this one!

The Fanatical Gum Chewer

He never stops chewing gum. Seriously, never! I mean who doesn’t love a good piece of gum? Especially in those early dating days when you care about your breath...but if you’re burning through 3 packs a day—3 words—annoying oral fixation.

That’s just the tip of the iceberg—there are SO many more to share, I might need to make this a series! Send me your favorites and it might be featured in one of my posts. And while you’re at it, don’t forget to share my blog with your friends and connect with me on facebook and twitter.

Riiidiculous online dating profile personalities--categorized!!

As many of you know, I took my very first plunge into online dating earlier this year. Late bloomer, yes I know. It was a brief but memorable 3 month experiment which resulted in a few dates (more to come on that later) and plenty of characters.

Like a good blogger, I created a little keepsake highlighting some of my favorite ridicoulsness seen in the headlines, descriptions and emails that landed on my screen.  They are all to be taken literally—word for word—because that is how they were encountered. Some make you laugh out loud, some make you cringe, but most just make you say REALLY???...and I have no doubt that fellow singlers have come across some of the very same exact ones in your online journeys.

I realize there are plenty of people out there who are a little more serious about online dating than those listed here...but pointing out those in this particular post wouldn't be nearly as much fun. Enjoy ;)

The Annoying

• Has adonis DNA
• Things that go vvrrrmm
• I'll be your Superhero today
• I'm a gentleman and a gentle man, and you're really going to like me. :-) So write me!

The Insecure

• Are you going to look at my profile or say hi ;-)
• I would date me
• FYI: I'm awesome.

The NOT-So-Cutesy

• If You Show Me Yours, I'll Show You Mine
• A knight in pre-owned armor
• Bring me home when you're mom's not
• I was wondering maybe could I make you my baby

The Ridiculous

• I can make you believe it's butter
• Geek by day, warrior by night
• My profile is like smelling your favorite dish with a blindfold on, you know it will look as delicious as it smells (note: he had no pic)

The Cheezball

• Baby, your're a Firework!
• Single as a Dollar Bill
• Your pot of gold is right here!!!
• Hello...Is it you I'm lookin for?
• Eurotrash at its best! (could be funny but based on his profile, he wasn't kidding)

The Desperate

• I'm vicious, delicious, nutritious
• Looking for Good-Looking
• Great real estate! It's a buyer's market! They call him their “favorite” design yet. They truly have set the bar high for other competitors to try and achieve the same. This unit does not have any leaks, creaks, cracks or holes (except one, hence the For Sale ad)

The Shady

• Don't ask why I don't have a pic up....I did, now I don't.....I'll send you one... :)
• Hello from Prison! (would be clever if they didn't look the part!)
• If I don't write back immediately, Don't Panic!! :) I get quite a few messages, so I will respond, just give me a chance. (get OVER yourself!)
• Im only on here for the free trial so if you're looking for trouble im your man lol ;P

The Shifty

• I live in the suburbs but wrote nyc for more search options
• Just moved to the city and looking to make some new friends!
• Basically I am looking for a girl that I am really attracted to that is fun as hell but still loves to be a girlie! I guess the kind of girl that looks like she would be a stuck up pain in the ass but is really great once you get to know her

The Dirrrrtttyyyy

• Diving in head first.  (OK maybe just my mind is dirty?)
• Wanderlust...
• Once you go brown you'll always be down...
• Am thirsty i need you
• When you are gonna feel me, then I'm yours.
• I'm a great catch!! I just been swimming in polluted waters lately ;P

The Idiot

• Conversation is a big must, there's nothing worse than trying to talk to a wall.
• Love life to dead!
• My best qualities are my extreme intelligence, perfect body and insanely good sense of humor

The Illiterate

• You can check my profile an now more is all there, and all i need is a reasonable companion that can make me fill like a man what can i say or write about that gonna put me at the top of the list
• Life's SHORT! I wnat to PLAY HARD!!
• I'm using all my strengths and my means for you, but please don't loose the destiny, and the real opportunity offered to us online
• You and I were born to be together, to share and enjoy everything of our lives together, to handle all the obstacles of life together, to look the life as children do or even that we were born two months ago, and not to see it as adults or middle adults instead.

And finally….

The Semi-Clever

• Unbelievable, even my gay friends are getting married before I am. I mean...good for them. Good for them.
• I’ve given up on meeting my soulmate when she's totally wasted at the bar
• If love was blind why is Lingerie so Popular?
• Please don't ask me for free Botox. (He’s was a Dr.)

THE END.


Keep up with SS on facebook and twitter!

Blame Canada.

There’s something about NYC that just gives me that itch sometimes. The nightlife is bustling, there’s an exciting rhythm that makes me want to stay out and be a part of it—EVERY night, ALL night long. As you can imagine, this sometimes leads to crazy, fun, wild, bad decisions.  

I went out to dinner with a male friend of mine. I had a stressful day so I enjoyed a strong, fancy pre-dinner tequila cocktail while I waited for him at the bar. We sat down to eat and shared a bottle of wine. We went to a nearby outdoor bar afterwards. It was a beautiful summer night with a great buzz in the air. We had a few more drinks…well I should say…I had a few more drinks. And then shots. I really hate doing shots alone but he’s one of those friends who just don’t take one for the team. Anyhoo….a little while later we called it a night and by WE, I mean HE. We said our goodbyes and I jumped in a cab. A few blocks from home I started to hear little voices in my head. I was having a conversation with myself in the back of the cab, something like—bad girl “I don’t really want to go home”  good girl “But no one’s around, it’s a bad idea” bad girl “I’m a big girl, I can just go to my local watering hole alone for one or two” good girl “ We’ve been down this road before, it’s a bad, bad, bad move, turn around right now and go to bed—you might even still be able to go to the gym tomorrow” bad girl  “That’s all you care about, is the gym. They know me there, it will be fine, nothing weird will happen, I will just take a peek inside” good girl “Haha, yea OK crazy, you’re on your own.”  Driver re-routes to bar.

I walk in the bar, everyone yells “Norm,” ok maybe they really didn’t…but you get the picture. I made the rounds saying hello to all the regulars and popped a squat at the end of the bar. I’m pretty drunk. I have no business being there, but what else am I going to do on a Tuesday night? A guy sits down a few stools next to me and I see him checking me out through the corner of my eye.  At this point I can’t be bothered because I am too preoccupied trying to catch the objects (ice cubes, lemons, cherries, etc) that the bartender is trying to throw down my shirt from across the bar (did I mention I go there a lot?). Somehow this guy at the end of the bar gets caught in the cross-fire and seizes the opportunity. Bingo, game on.  We chatted for a while. If I remembered what we talked about I would tell you—but I don’t, so I can’t, so I won’t. He walks me home—what a gentleman. Enter the black out.

Fast forward to the next morning. My bedroom looks like a crime scene. My clothes and pillows are thrown all over, there’s an open condom wrapper on the floor (safety first—NO MATTER WHAT!). Awesome. My head is pounding but at least I’m up on time for work. I go to get a glass of water. There’s a bottle of wine, a half drunken beer and a napkin on my counter. The napkin has a name and phone number on it. I’m amused. I google the area code. Canada. Blame Canada. Somehow, I get through work. The bartender bbm’s me “at least one of us got lucky last night”. “Thanks for the shots, go f**k yourself,” I reply.

I ran home after work because I had plans to go out again. Busy girl. SO HUNGOVER. There’s the napkin…still on my counter.  I text “what a hot mess last night, huh?” He replies, “yea pretty messy but at least you remember.” Me “whoa, whoa, whoa, who said anything about remembering?” Skip to later that night. By now I have gathered that this guy is visiting from Canada (sorry I am not always that quick, thought maybe he lived here now) and was leaving tomorrow. The curiosity, the temptation, I couldn’t resist. I had to see just how good OR bad my beer goggles were. He came over at about midnight. We had both been out drinking but not nearly as sloppy as the night before. As soon as I see his face the flashbacks start hitting. He’s cute. SHORT. Says he’s 5’7 but not joke, he’s barely 5’4. Tatoos—lots  of them. Longish hair. Turns out he’s half Italian and half Chinese. Pretty interesting mix, and incidentally my first Asian. I ask him how old he is, he says “26”. I ask if he knows how old I am, he replies “what 27 or 28”? I say yea, let’s go with that.  Cougar, cub—here we go again. He recaps the night before for me. A little more detail than I was looking for but nevertheless sounds like it was a real good time. Apparently we gave my doorman a great show if he was watching the camera on the roof. Then we moved to the bedroom.  I will save the details for my X-Rated novel that will be coming out in the fall. According to my new Canadian sweetheart, I started losing my patience with him in the bedroom about a few things so he decided to leave before it got too crazy. Ok now we are caught up—and back to the present day.  I thanked him for the wonderful bedtime story and told him I was too tired to mess around, and that we will only be cuddling until morning wood. I haven’t cuddled in a while. I forgot how annoying it can be when you REALLY need sleep and there’s a guy grunting and breathing all over you.

Like clockwork he’s ready for me to deliver on my morning promise. Once again, I will spare you with all the visuals except one that I still can’t get over. As I mentioned, this fella has tattoos. Well, one of his tattoos is on the inner underside of his arm. It’s of his Chinese grandparents. A portrait.  He’s on top of me and literally—THERE THEY ARE—I’m making eye contact with this kids CHINESE GRANDPARENTS. They are STARING at me!  I’m trying to enjoy myself but this is just creepy.  I say “dude you gotta do something about this—you’re grandparents are WATCHING US—they are looking right at me, I can’t do this”. We change positions.  He laughs and says “he never really considered the placement when he got it”.  Damn straight kid, and no joke you really should do something about that. I take a quick shower. I walk into my living room and there he is—standing in the middle of the room NAKED peering around my apartment. “You gonna put some clothes on or what,” I say. “Not yet ,” he says “I’m really comfortable naked”. “That’s great,” I say.  I sit on the couch to check the TV. This mofo slowly sits his naked, hairy, BARE ass right next to me on my nice COUCH. Are we supposed to be having a moment here?? Because really I can’t even look in his direction—I stare straight at the TV. All I can think is—ARE YOU FOR REAL?!  I got dressed as fast as I could in hopes that he would follow my lead. He tells me he loves NYC and even went to inquire about joining the NYPD but he would need a green card. I say, “well don’t get any ideas Canada, cuz I ain’t marrying ya…but I hear you can find someone for that online.” I walked him back to his hotel because it was on my way to work. I have manners. “I’ll add you on facebook,” he says. Great, another one—just what I need.

On a side note: I got lucky because this guy was a total gentleman and sweetheart but let’s be real…bad decisions sometimes lead to bad things so please be safe out there.  

MATCH.COM—WHO THE F*CK ARE THESE PEOPLE!?!?!

Those of you who have been following me on Facebook already know that for the first time EVER I recently plunged into the abyss of online dating. If you know me at all—then you know this decision was EPIC. My experience so far however, has been anything but.

I set up my profile on a whim late one night (no i wasn't drunk you smartass...ok well maybe there were a couple of glasses of wine on hand) pretty quickly for fear that if I took too long to think about what I was doing that I would chicken out and walk away. Over the course of the first week I had so many mixed emotions about the whole experience and probably changed my profile verbiage about 4 million times—what can I say, I’m new to this! I was terrified and excited all at once. On the one hand, I didn't like the idea of all sorts of men—all over the universe (including some I already knew/dated), peering over words and pictures pertaining to this 'ol single gal (especially from the distant comfort of their own bedroom, if you know what I mean)! On the other hand, I anticipated a flurry of new and amazing eligible bachelors to flood my inbox—and sure enough, like a Tsunami—THINGS happened.

I will never forget my initial reaction to the first few days of searching and being searched on Match.com—ready for it??? WHO THE F*CK ARE THESE PEOPLE!!!!!!!!! I remember this reaction so clearly because I still have it EVERY time I log on to this site. Now don’t get me wrong, I'm not a snob and despite what some of you may say, my expectations are NOT too high (trust me)!  I admit I am still new to the whole experience but my first impression is that I really don't know how "1 in 5 relationships start on Match.com" (or whatever the hell they claim). A month and a half in on this site with millions of singles, I've only been out with ONE guy so far and he turned out to be a case file (to be included in a later report). It's not that I'm not getting attention on there, quite the contrary actually. It's just that these guys are B-R-U-T-A-L. From what I have seen so far, these guys are WORSE than the guys I meet out there in the “real world” and you can bet that I NEVER imagined to be PAYING FOR THAT.

Anyways, there will be PLENTY more to come on this topic. In the meantime, here's a top 5 that will hopefully get your weekend laughter started a little early...

5 Ways NOT to grab my attention (or probably anyone else’s) on Match.com

5. Bait and switch.

In case you are unfamiliar with the term, here are a few scenarios. Your profile picture: 
-Is ridiculously blurry.
What exactly are you hiding from?? On to the next...
-Is taken SO far away that i can't even make out if you are a man.
Again, what are you hiding from? (My guess is a girlfriend)

-Is you wearing a hat.
So basically what you are saying is that you either still dress like you are 20yrs old or most likely, you are bald or have a receding hairline. (Personally, I don't mind bald but COME ON, we know this trick—just show us a genuine shot up front please)

-Is you with no shirt on or taking a picture of yourself in front of a mirror.
Wow, cheesy and creepy—NO thanks.

4. You can’t spell. 

Look, we all make these mistakes from time to time but spell check is out there and you still have a profile littered with misspellings--REALLY??? You’re either overly careless, not that bright, foreign (not that there's anything wrong with that)—or all 3 of the above.

3. You mention an ex in your description. 

For example, "I recently moved to NYC for my ex and it didn't work out so now I'm on here". SERIOUSLY??? Which part of that do you think WE want to hear in the first 15 seconds of reading your profile...I guarantee he would spend half of the date talking about his ex. Move on buddy.

2. Simple formula: I wink + you wink back = game over. 

Get some balls and make a REAL move!!

1. Cut and paste. 

Seeing is believing...here are just a few of the ridiculous emails I received on this wonderful dating site. Please note, I have not edited a word! All I will say is that I can't imagine how many women have received these exact emails!

Email from a 36yr old: (this one is my favorite)

"Listen, you have the most contagious smile I've ever seen! It's like being at the carnival or blowing bubbles when you were a kid- you can't help but break out into a huge grin!...Very Attractive!

You seem very down to earth, i like that.. Only way to be in my book, seriously...."

Part of an email from another 36yr old, this one lives in Florida (the entire email was just too long to share!):

"The woman in Florida are so rude that I have decided to look in the NYC area. Tell me more about yourself.I am not into mind games,drugs or drama. Please feel free to call me at anytime at (561)XXX-XXXX.If you are interested please leave me a voicemail with your contact number and I shall call ya back. Since you love to travel maybe there is a chance you can come down to Florida this summer."

From a 42yr old:

"How do you feel about cat's ?"

 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That's all  I can take for now folks but you can bet on more Match.com rants to come…

Oh, how desperately I want you inside of me…

I was recently dishing with one of my guy friends about crazy things that guys/girls do when they feel like they had a connection with someone and have been rejected. He started laughing and casually browsed his iphone e-mail archives and handed it over to me for review. It was an e-mail from a chick he met a few years back that he had only hung out with a few times. As you will see, there’s really no backstory needed for this one...

WARNING: What you are about to read is an unedited e-mail this chick sent to my friend after clearly a few too many cocktails on HER BIRTHDAY!

Hey,

So it is my birthday, and this is the first time that I have e-mailed you in a very long time. But I have a few things to say: First, I think about you and really want you inside of me; that is, I want your penis inside of me and I want you to go down on me and I want to go down on you and I want to have sex with you, you make me wet when I think about you when I masturbate, which is more often than I would like; second, I am mad that you haven't e-mailed; you have really made me feel like a cheap prostitute, like someone you just wanted to fuck with, with no kind of follow up and I am not really that kind of girl. Why haven't you called or e-mailed? What is wrong with you? I don't want to be your girlfriend. I would be a terrible girlfriend, and I am sorry if I said shit like that to you a while you were at my house, you know, an ultimatum or something like that. I think that we could maybe be friends and have fun together. I kind of want you to take care of me, in an affectionate kind of way; not in a boyfriend kind of way. I apologize for the last time when I was kind of quiet. I have been dealing with a lot of shit lately.

Ok, I am going to go now because i NEED to get some water. Can we just talk. I would really like to talk,

p.s. I am coming in this weekend; do you want to meet for a drink or something? like maybe saturday night?

I think this one pretty much speaks for itself...I am sure we have ALL been tempted at one time or another to send or say these types of things but believe me—it’s not doing anything to help fight that old adage that “all girls are crazy”. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE Sassy readers—I beg you NOT to do this! I promise there are many, many, more productive and less embarrassing ways to handle a rejection or break up and I will cover that discussion soon!

In the meantime, next time you are feeling this way, write the email and send it to me or a friend instead...we promise you will feel better about it the next morning ;)

When honesty is NOT the best policy

Just like my moods, my dating life has its ups and downs. One thing that’s fairly consistent is that just when I think I have seen and heard it all, the surprises keep coming.

I went on a ‘date’ (using this term loosely) this past weekend with a guy that I met a few nights earlier at a bar. Granted, we met at the end of the night so we really didn’t get to know each other, but I did recall that he was pretty cute. He actually picked up the phone to call me to make plans instead of the typical texting back and forth. We decided to meet for a late afternoon rendezvous. I felt pretty optimistic about the possibility of a great evening.

It was a beautiful day so we went to a hotel roof bar to enjoy some time outside. There was no hiding that we were attracted to each other and both pleasantly surprised that we looked even better in daylight. We smirked and chatted a bit while I sipped my delicious mojito and he sat back drinking his beer. The conversation was a bit forced but nevertheless, it flowed. I’m not really sure how many red flags I encountered within the first 30 minutes because, well, I had to stop counting.

I quickly learned that this 27 year old fella had been laid off from his bartending job a few days ago. I could tell that it was all still very raw for him. He was bitter and openly expressing his concern about not knowing how he was going to pay rent (I started to feel a little guilty about the $16 mojito that I just ordered).  I gave him some words of encouragement and the conversation moved on (temporarily). 

Schmo—let’s call him Schmo, well, because he was one—went on to fill me in about how he grew up in Michigan until he was about 17 years old, after which he was kicked out of his parent’s house. Then he headed south to attend university. He went on to attend 5 different colleges, in 4 different states. Schmo didn’t manage to graduate from any of them, but he says he learned a lot. This Schmo also didn’t like to stay in one place for too long (maybe the law was following him?). Actually, he did mention an arrest when he was 16, for breaking and entering…I won’t get into it.  Next up is his family situation...Schmo doesn’t have a relationship with his parents—at all. “I might send my mom an email tomorrow to wish her a happy mother’s day,” are his exact words. What a doll. I decide not to judge and to give this Schmo a proper chance, he’s cute and I haven’t been on a date in a while.

We leave the fabulous roof bar to find something "cheaper" where we can watch the game. As we pass a nearby pub we see a sign for happy hour, he’s sold. Schmo asks the bartender about the specials. $10 bud light pitchers—he looks and asks me if that’s ok. Sure why not, I got this one, I say. “Ok” he (a little too) gladly says. I’m irritated but whatever, I’m a sport. Schmo starts chatting up the bartenders, I could tell he was not just being friendly, Schmo had an agenda, this Schmo wanted a job. A few minutes later one of the bartenders takes a break from behind the bar to enjoy his tobacco dip. Guess what?? Schmo likes dip, too. He even had his own tub with him—what a coincidence! Would I mind if he partook at the bar? Go for it. After about 20 mins of watching him spit into a cup, I ordered 2 shots of jack. I was already buzzed, what else was I going to do?

As I anticipated, a few minutes later, Schmo takes out a resume to hand to the bartender. It was a little awkward but I guess I admire his motivation, or at least I should. Mind if I take a look, I ask? Sure. The first line, his objective, says ‘seeking full time employment’. Here, take it back I don’t need to see it…2 more shots please! 

3 pitchers and 3 shots later, we were making friends all over the bar. Somehow 7 hours had gone by with this Schmo but now it was time to make a decision. He had told me earlier that he had to stop by a birthday party down the street and invited me to join.

Who’s the friend, I innocently ask? Oh, just a female friend of mine. Cool, I say…contemplating if I want to keep the night going or head home. Well if you are going to come, then there is something I should tell you, he says. There is an uncomfortable pause. I’ve hooked up with the friend who’s birthday it is. Umm…ok I say.  So then if I go, would that be weird for you…or for her, I ask?  No, he says…I just wanted to let you know so that there aren’t any surprises. Umm ok, I repeat. There is another long pause as I mull it all over in my head. Like how long ago are we talking about here, I ask? Umm…I don’t know…like last night, he says.

I look at Schmo in what I imagine can only be described as sheer and utter disbelief—I was dumfounded. The scene went something like this....WHAT?!?! Are you SERIOUS?? Are you really trying to take me to a birthday party right now for a friend who you just had sex with LAST NIGHT?!?! WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME THIS, ARE YOU AN IDIOT!?!  Schmo tells me that he’s mad at himself for being "so honest". Yea well you should be, I say! I’ve met a lot of Schmo’s in my time but never one quite like this.  Many, many expletives later I made him leave the bar and warned him to never call me again. At least he made my decision easy.

Moral of this story: Don’t mess with a Schmo, even an honest one.

   

SWF seeking medium sized balls…

I LOVE BALLS. There, I said it. The problem is that I don’t like all balls and let’s face it, there’s quite a variety of these suckers out there. Let’s do a brief recap, shall we? There are big balls, small balls, firm balls, saggy balls, light balls, dark balls, blue balls, bouncy balls, the one ball, the three ball (not actually sure about this but figured I’d throw it in), smelly balls, hairy balls, sweaty balls, goofy balls, bruised balls, salty balls, low hanging balls, prickly balls, sensitive balls…the list goes on and on, do you catch my drift? 

For the purpose of this exercise let’s keep things simple and focus on the size and character of these balls. Now, in my humble experience our population is overcrowded with two specific categories of men—those who have small, wimpy, weepy balls—and those who have big, giant, barbaric balls. As you can imagine…this creates a great unbalance in the dating universe that forces those with more average, normal—regular if you will—nuggets from bursting through the pack.  

Let’s dive deeper, shall we. Some women may think there’s no way to discern the size of a man’s family jewels until they are dangling smack in front of your face.  Well, I beg to differ. I challenge you to pay attention to these blatant warning signs that will help you determine early on which ones you’re juggling with so you can decide which are worth making your own.

How to tell when a man’s suffering from tiny balls syndrome:

He thinks you’re cute but can’t approach you

He asked for your number but doesn’t call

He is too intimidated by you to date you

He likes you but is afraid to tell you (this is diff than above)

You’ve gone on 5 dates and he still hasn’t tried to kiss you

You’ve been dating for months and he still hasn’t met (or attempted to meet) your friends

He won’t be the 1^st (or only) guy in his pack to have a girlfriend or wife

He settles with an unhappy, unfulfilling relationship—because it’s easy

When he falls in love, he runs away from it

He cheats

How to tell when a man’s suffering from gigantic balls syndrome:

You just met and he’s already calling you at 3am

For your first date, he takes you to his ‘regular spot’ (where everyone knows his name and all his previous dates have also suffered—which also happens to be a block from where he lives)

He suggests you go back to his place after said first date

If you don’t go for that, he tries to ‘sext’ after this first date

He continues to booty call you, even though you don’t respond

No really, he won’t stop texting, even though you don’t respond and it’s now months later…

He has a gf/wife and is still trying to get in your pants

You are completely out of his league and he approaches you anyway

He takes you out for a drink and a ‘tapa’ and expects to get some

He wants to do a drive-by after he just got some a#@ from another girl

He charmingly, yet aggressively keeps asking for nude pics (wtf already!)

He doesn’t put the toilet seat down before he leaves in the morning

Sigh, that was exhausting. What happened to all of the guys in the middle—you know, with medium the sized balls? The ones who aren’t afraid of their feelings and know how to court a woman in a purposeful, classy kind of way? The ones who aren’t afraid to do the right thing and to take a little chance even if it meant they might get hurt once in a while. Guys—we know you’re still out there getting knocked around by all the other haphazard balls—but really, so are we!  Until then….we will continue on the conquest for the just right, medium sized balls. Now THAT would be a happy ending!

The Aardvark.

Aardvark (ahrd-vahrk) – noun

A large, nocturnal, burrowing mammal (Orycteropus afer) of Africa, having a long tubular snout, extensile tongue, long ears and powerful digging claws. Also known as an uncircumcised penis.

For me, this has always been somewhat of a legend—kind of like Bigfoot—you’ve heard about it over the years but never really encountered one for yourself so you aren’t really sure whether or not it actually exists.  Well, let me tell you, these purportedly cheeky anteaters ARE out there—and they may just turn up in your bedroom when you least expect! Here’s how my first encounter went down…

It was a Thursday night and I met a girlfriend out at a random Irish pub. A couple of guys started to chat us up. She was into one, I wasn’t into the other but then—long and behold, a friend of theirs showed up. At first glance he was from head to toe…well, delicious. He was young—but not too young, shaved head, beautiful blue eyes, fit—but not too fit, and sporting a few cool tattoos. We instantly locked eyes and it was game on! The night carried us off to a few other pubs. Many drinks (and shots) later I learned that he had only been in the States for a few months. He was fresh off the boat from Ireland and had the HOT accent to prove it.  Let’s continue to call him ‘he’ since I can’t remember his name—although I do recall it was a Celtic name that I had never heard of and that I had trouble pronouncing. Needless to say, I was intrigued...and before you know it we were making out at the bar.

Fast forward to MANY more drinks (and shots) later…one thing led to another and we were back at my place. We were HOT for each other—clothes came off fast as we were rolling around in the heat of sheer passion.........and then.......GASP! There. IT. Was.  For the first time in my life—I was face to face with an aardvark—the unusual, fearless figure that I had only heard about.  All I could think was—what, he couldn’t give me a little forewarning—maybe a little heads up? (Oh yes, those puns are intended).  Well I had to make a decision about this one and fast! Was I going to feign a drunken illness and kick this hot young lad out of my place? Or was I going to proceed, full speed ahead into this unchartered territory while trying my best not to awkwardly stare at this face that only a father could love that was right in front of me? Well...the beast was already unleashed so what the hell, right?  

It was a wild, steamy night. So much so that I called in sick to work the next day (rare occurrence) and we continued to enjoy a hot and heavy morning-after. When it was all over I rolled out of bed feeling both dizzy and giddy—fresh hangover style. I walked him out and then I kept walking…I met a girlfriend out for a liquid lunch—couldn’t waste a sick day and I had to share this new war story with someone fast!

I never heard from that stout anteater again…and actually, I’m perfectly ok with that. Not because of his aardvark but because during pillow talk the next morning he openly shared with me that even though it has only been a few months, he was really enjoying living here because women back home (Ireland) were so difficult...and here (in NYC) he could easily sleep with at least 8-9 new women a month. Sigh. But let’s not digress. 

Ladies, please take note—these frisky nocturnal mammals are definitely out there and while they may not be as ‘pretty’ as we are used to, trust me—you do not want to judge these books by their covers, just go for it!

If you weren’t such a douchebag, I would totally do you

Despite popular belief, more times than not—it’s the man—not the woman, who can’t handle or execute a casual relationship. Listen up men, women were not just put on this heavenly earth to clean your house and make babies, we too have a healthy sexual appetite that we need to satisfy. So what’s the problem? Men and women just typically have very different thoughts about how a coveted 'friend with benefits' setup should work…which leads us to the five key steps for success that are outlined below.

5 Must-Do’s to Get the Friend With Benefits Situation of Your Dreams

Communicate—Be upfront. As soon as you know that’s all you want, tell the other person. Don’t worry about hurting anyone’s feelings…chances are that you’re not that special and they probably only want that too! By making sure you are both on the same page from the beginning, you will get out of doing all sorts of things—including, not having to participate in fancy dinners, holiday gifts, spooning or hand holding (sigh in relief).

Don’t be afraid to meet out in public—Even though you are not 'dating', there’s no reason you can’t meet each other out. It will make you both feel more comfortable. If you don’t want to be seen out in public because you have a girlfriend (or boyfriend) or better yet a wife (or husband), well then, you are just a douchebag. 

Set it up in advance—There’s nothing worse than getting a text at 4am trying to set up a rendezvous.  Can you even put two words together in the condition you are in, you cutie pie? It’s always better to hit each other up earlier in the evening to make tentative plans. What’s better than knowing you have a sure thing at the end of the night? You can always cancel—but trust me, it’s better than attempting your first reach out late night and risking that your steamy friend with benefits has already settled for some other late night caller or worse, is already asleep (opportunity missed).

Make contact within 2 days after—You don’t have to ‘call the next day’ but sending a flirty text or email after you ravish each other will keep it interesting and exciting for both of you.  It will also show that there’s a level of respect between you (important). And oh by the way, this is the perfect time to brush up on your sexting and phone sex skills—get on it.

Keep it semi-regular—Let’s face it, it’s not easy to create a functional friend with benefits situation in the first place…so why ruin it by going off the map after you hang out. Then you risk turning the other person off, losing the momentum, and having to start back at square one every time you see each other. That’s just dumb, and a lot of extra work. You both want to have sex and lots of it too, so be sure to keep it going—I’m just sayin!

For more about douchebags, read my prior post--5 sure signs that you are dealing with a douchebag.

5 sure signs that you are dealing with a douchebag

He has referred to you as 'Miss <your first name goes here>'.

This may seem cute and endearing at first but please don’t fall for it. History has shown time and time again that this guy is a professional douchebag. Run for the hills before you are weaved into his tangled web—trust me.

He overuses emoticons ;) or '!' in texts and emails.

Ok, we’ve all seen this one before. This is the fastest way to appear like you are:

A: insecure—you need to make sure we understand your mood and intent for every word

B: a serial texter—you know more shorthand than my teenage cousin

C: annoying!!!!!!! ;) XO :*)

D: really a chick—come on, only our girlfriends can get away with this kind of texting

He contacts you regularly but he’s always ‘working’ or hanging out ‘with the boys’.

Excuses, excuses and lots of ‘em. The fact is that men like—no men need—regular female contact, both physically and emotionally. So rest assured, if he’s not getting both of these types of attention that he craves from you—he’s getting it somewhere else. He probably already has a girlfriend, or several. If he’s into you he will make time to see you. Case closed.

You haven’t heard from him in 4 or more days.

Momentum is gone. Refer to answer above.

He’s often looking to say 'hi' or hang out at 3am (or really this goes for any time after 11pm).

He’s just a douchebag.