So......how many guys out there still have my number??

Ok, I give out my number at bars—guilty as charged! I did it again this weekend…but there’s always a reason or story, right? Sometimes I am indeed into the guy but many times it’s just easier to give up your digits than to deal with the awkwardness of rejecting someone on the spot. We used to be able to get away with giving out a wrong name or number—leaving us off the hook and leaving our suitor with a glimmer of hope that out of the 10 different numbers he got that night, ours just might be the one that will actually work.

Times are different now. Guys are more saavy and have wised up to our antics. You can’t just give out a fake number like you used to because there’s no more writing it down on a dirty, wet, bar napkin and hoping that it gets misplaced or the ink bleeds it illegible.  Those days are gone.  Now guys want to immediately add you into their phone and call you right then and there so you have their number too and most importantly so that they can see you if you are being legit! And if they are REALLY into you—or is it—if they are really aggressive, or really manic, or really into social connections—they will want to immediately synch you up on their chats, facebook and twitter, too.  Whoo-hoo!

But wait….didn’t we just meet?!? You’re already browsing pictures of me online, reading my status updates, checking out my friends and connecting with me all day, every day?? What's up with that? Did you just want to make sure it wasn’t the beer goggles and that I’m as cute as you remembered before making a move? Are you trying to increase your number of facebook friends? Do you have ADD or need constant attention? Whatever the reason, make no mistake—this is NOT the way to go.

The reality is, if you give someone your number, it means that you are potentially into them. This means depending on your interactions, things could easily, and quickly, go either way—full on head over heels or get me the hell out of here fast! Unfortunately, there’s not much room in between when you connect full throttle too soon—so why rush it?  As women, we will likely overanalyze everything (sorry, but it’s true) we see and read on this new guys fb page, bbm updates, etc.  As a guy, this new immersion into everything about you will likely fulfill instant gratifications but will not offer enough of the mystery we know you so often crave in the early stages of dating.

We rarely use the phone to talk anymore and it’s difficult enough to get to know someone over texts—which already seems to be like sooooo yesterday. By adding more layers of connections—a crash course into both of your personal lives—from day one, things are bound to get complicated fast.  Call me old fashioned (you wouldn’t be the first) but in the beginning—isn’t the fun part discovering things about each other together as they happen, as opposed to learning about each other solo in the confinement of your own home via your laptop or iphone?  Connections are so important so make them real and make them count!

‘A hidden connection is stronger than an obvious one.’ --Heraclitus of Ephesus

SWF seeking medium sized balls…

I LOVE BALLS. There, I said it. The problem is that I don’t like all balls and let’s face it, there’s quite a variety of these suckers out there. Let’s do a brief recap, shall we? There are big balls, small balls, firm balls, saggy balls, light balls, dark balls, blue balls, bouncy balls, the one ball, the three ball (not actually sure about this but figured I’d throw it in), smelly balls, hairy balls, sweaty balls, goofy balls, bruised balls, salty balls, low hanging balls, prickly balls, sensitive balls…the list goes on and on, do you catch my drift? 

For the purpose of this exercise let’s keep things simple and focus on the size and character of these balls. Now, in my humble experience our population is overcrowded with two specific categories of men—those who have small, wimpy, weepy balls—and those who have big, giant, barbaric balls. As you can imagine…this creates a great unbalance in the dating universe that forces those with more average, normal—regular if you will—nuggets from bursting through the pack.  

Let’s dive deeper, shall we. Some women may think there’s no way to discern the size of a man’s family jewels until they are dangling smack in front of your face.  Well, I beg to differ. I challenge you to pay attention to these blatant warning signs that will help you determine early on which ones you’re juggling with so you can decide which are worth making your own.

How to tell when a man’s suffering from tiny balls syndrome:

He thinks you’re cute but can’t approach you

He asked for your number but doesn’t call

He is too intimidated by you to date you

He likes you but is afraid to tell you (this is diff than above)

You’ve gone on 5 dates and he still hasn’t tried to kiss you

You’ve been dating for months and he still hasn’t met (or attempted to meet) your friends

He won’t be the 1^st (or only) guy in his pack to have a girlfriend or wife

He settles with an unhappy, unfulfilling relationship—because it’s easy

When he falls in love, he runs away from it

He cheats

How to tell when a man’s suffering from gigantic balls syndrome:

You just met and he’s already calling you at 3am

For your first date, he takes you to his ‘regular spot’ (where everyone knows his name and all his previous dates have also suffered—which also happens to be a block from where he lives)

He suggests you go back to his place after said first date

If you don’t go for that, he tries to ‘sext’ after this first date

He continues to booty call you, even though you don’t respond

No really, he won’t stop texting, even though you don’t respond and it’s now months later…

He has a gf/wife and is still trying to get in your pants

You are completely out of his league and he approaches you anyway

He takes you out for a drink and a ‘tapa’ and expects to get some

He wants to do a drive-by after he just got some a#@ from another girl

He charmingly, yet aggressively keeps asking for nude pics (wtf already!)

He doesn’t put the toilet seat down before he leaves in the morning

Sigh, that was exhausting. What happened to all of the guys in the middle—you know, with medium the sized balls? The ones who aren’t afraid of their feelings and know how to court a woman in a purposeful, classy kind of way? The ones who aren’t afraid to do the right thing and to take a little chance even if it meant they might get hurt once in a while. Guys—we know you’re still out there getting knocked around by all the other haphazard balls—but really, so are we!  Until then….we will continue on the conquest for the just right, medium sized balls. Now THAT would be a happy ending!