Riiidiculous online dating profile personalities--categorized!!

As many of you know, I took my very first plunge into online dating earlier this year. Late bloomer, yes I know. It was a brief but memorable 3 month experiment which resulted in a few dates (more to come on that later) and plenty of characters.

Like a good blogger, I created a little keepsake highlighting some of my favorite ridicoulsness seen in the headlines, descriptions and emails that landed on my screen.  They are all to be taken literally—word for word—because that is how they were encountered. Some make you laugh out loud, some make you cringe, but most just make you say REALLY???...and I have no doubt that fellow singlers have come across some of the very same exact ones in your online journeys.

I realize there are plenty of people out there who are a little more serious about online dating than those listed here...but pointing out those in this particular post wouldn't be nearly as much fun. Enjoy ;)

The Annoying

• Has adonis DNA
• Things that go vvrrrmm
• I'll be your Superhero today
• I'm a gentleman and a gentle man, and you're really going to like me. :-) So write me!

The Insecure

• Are you going to look at my profile or say hi ;-)
• I would date me
• FYI: I'm awesome.

The NOT-So-Cutesy

• If You Show Me Yours, I'll Show You Mine
• A knight in pre-owned armor
• Bring me home when you're mom's not
• I was wondering maybe could I make you my baby

The Ridiculous

• I can make you believe it's butter
• Geek by day, warrior by night
• My profile is like smelling your favorite dish with a blindfold on, you know it will look as delicious as it smells (note: he had no pic)

The Cheezball

• Baby, your're a Firework!
• Single as a Dollar Bill
• Your pot of gold is right here!!!
• Hello...Is it you I'm lookin for?
• Eurotrash at its best! (could be funny but based on his profile, he wasn't kidding)

The Desperate

• I'm vicious, delicious, nutritious
• Looking for Good-Looking
• Great real estate! It's a buyer's market! They call him their “favorite” design yet. They truly have set the bar high for other competitors to try and achieve the same. This unit does not have any leaks, creaks, cracks or holes (except one, hence the For Sale ad)

The Shady

• Don't ask why I don't have a pic up....I did, now I don't.....I'll send you one... :)
• Hello from Prison! (would be clever if they didn't look the part!)
• If I don't write back immediately, Don't Panic!! :) I get quite a few messages, so I will respond, just give me a chance. (get OVER yourself!)
• Im only on here for the free trial so if you're looking for trouble im your man lol ;P

The Shifty

• I live in the suburbs but wrote nyc for more search options
• Just moved to the city and looking to make some new friends!
• Basically I am looking for a girl that I am really attracted to that is fun as hell but still loves to be a girlie! I guess the kind of girl that looks like she would be a stuck up pain in the ass but is really great once you get to know her

The Dirrrrtttyyyy

• Diving in head first.  (OK maybe just my mind is dirty?)
• Wanderlust...
• Once you go brown you'll always be down...
• Am thirsty i need you
• When you are gonna feel me, then I'm yours.
• I'm a great catch!! I just been swimming in polluted waters lately ;P

The Idiot

• Conversation is a big must, there's nothing worse than trying to talk to a wall.
• Love life to dead!
• My best qualities are my extreme intelligence, perfect body and insanely good sense of humor

The Illiterate

• You can check my profile an now more is all there, and all i need is a reasonable companion that can make me fill like a man what can i say or write about that gonna put me at the top of the list
• Life's SHORT! I wnat to PLAY HARD!!
• I'm using all my strengths and my means for you, but please don't loose the destiny, and the real opportunity offered to us online
• You and I were born to be together, to share and enjoy everything of our lives together, to handle all the obstacles of life together, to look the life as children do or even that we were born two months ago, and not to see it as adults or middle adults instead.

And finally….

The Semi-Clever

• Unbelievable, even my gay friends are getting married before I am. I mean...good for them. Good for them.
• I’ve given up on meeting my soulmate when she's totally wasted at the bar
• If love was blind why is Lingerie so Popular?
• Please don't ask me for free Botox. (He’s was a Dr.)

THE END.


Keep up with SS on facebook and twitter!

And they call her………………….THE SABOTAGER.

“Stop sabotaging your dates”. If you’re a fellow single, chances are that you’ve also been hearing (and denying) this one for years. And perhaps subconsciously, within our own realm of the definition, we are in fact committing dating sabotage. Let me share with you one of my classic dating stories and you can judge for yourself if:

a) I’m a sabotager   

b) You too, are a sabotager         or

c) Our friends should just go stick it up their ass!

It’s the end of a drunken bar crawl...I look over and see my friend making out with a guy.  A few feet away I’m chatting with his friend who’s wasted and keeps buying us shots. IT’S TIME TO GO HOME. In order to get out of there, I give this finance asswipe my number and leave. The next morning (a few hours later) I wake up to 5 missed calls and 11 texts from this douche. A little persistent, aye?

 I barge into the living room and ask my roommate “who the hell is this stalker from last night??” (Her memory was always better than mine).  Hmmm….she nonchalantly grabs a pen, a napkin and starts drawing what can only be described as a Herman Munster stick figure. “WTF, are you serious,” I say?? “Ok maybe his forehead wasn’t really thaaattttt big,” she chuckles.  “Just go out with him, what do you have to lose?” “Are you crazy—LISTEN to these messages—why would I go out with this freak??” I say. “Because you haven’t been on a date in AGES,” she reminds me “at the very least it will make for a good story….just consider it practice” (love when people say this one). Rusty yes…desperate no…but “OK, FINE!” I say.

I pick a bar that I’m familiar with for the dreaded encounter, a “safe place” so to speak. I get there a few minutes early because other than the stick figure napkin sketch in my pocket, I had NO idea what this guy looked like. I walk towards the back of the bar looking for a place to sit and this SEXY Latino reaches his arms out and says “Heeyyyy—wanna do a shot with us?” “Ummm…….what??” I smirk. “Do I know you?” I say. “No…but do you like whiskey?” “Uh, HELL YEA, I do!” (Why couldn’t this guy be my date?!) Loving this sexy Latino and his drunk friends, I quickly confide how I was there for a blind date to meet some guy who seemed like a total douchebag (come on—I couldn’t tell him it was really just beer goggles!). We throw back whiskeys and are having a grand ‘ol time when all of a sudden I feel a creepy tap on my shoulder. Like a geeky dad breaking up the cool kid’s party….it was HIM. Stalker finance asswipe in the flesh and he was WORSE than I could have imagined. I cringe. He looks at me confused and I tell him I just happened to bump into these old friends who bought me a shot. He looks skeptical but nevertheless, we mosey to the bar.

Within 5 minutes this guy has bragged about his job, his apartment and all of his other riches, and has tried to stick his tongue down my throat which I have successfully  dodged like a flying bullet. REALLY?! The bartender gives me a sympathetic glance.  I head straight for the bathroom and start bbm’ing all of my friends. I need an exit plan—STAT. I start explaining that I have to leave soon for a birthday party—“Great” he says, “I’ll come with you.” Ugh, I was a prisoner—I knew he was NOT going to let me out of there alone! The Latino stops by on his way out with his friends. “Nice meeting you he says as he shakes my hand which slyly (or not so slyly) has his business card inside. Asswipe vexed “I thought he was an old friend.” “Umm…what?” I can’t be bothered-ly mutter as I stare at my Latino walking out the door. ”Ohhh, yea….I meant the other one was”—he didn’t buy it but whatever, at least I got the Latinos number, score!  All I could think about was getting out of there to meet my friends.

I chug my drink AS FAST as I can. And then it happens. By the grace of God, asswipe gets a phone call. I give him a dirty look as he picks it up—because by now I totally detest him. “I’ll be right back, I need to take this outside,” he says. This is IT—my window of opportunity to escape!  I grabbed my clutch and bee-lined for the door. He’s right there, still on the phone and looks at me shaking his hands up in the air in disbelief like—WHAT?! I start a mild jog and wave, shouting “GOTTA GO, BYE—THANKS FOR THE DRINK!!” I meet my friends at a bar down the street. As I start telling them the horror story that just occurred, a hot guy grabs my arm. It’s someone that I went to college with.  He starts flirting with me with his weeping willow eyes. We make out like we should have when we were in college. I can feel my phone buzzing from texts from my new Latino. This rainy night was salvageable after all.

My friend was right, it WAS good to go out and give it a chance—it DID make for a story! I don’t know what it is but it’s like men can smell each other and when you are out with one the others all want a piece of the action. Well, the same is true for this gal. When I’m out with one guy, ALL I want is to talk to EVERY other guy in the room. So while you might question whether this was actually a sabotage since I didn’t like the asswipe in the first place the truth is….if you replace this story with a guy that I actually DO like I’m afraid not much of the rest of it would change!

Until next time …

***Don't forget to add me on facebook: www.facebook.com/sergeantsassy

 

10 Reasons I am Happy to be Single in my 30’s

10. I didn’t have to get out of bed today until I decided to do so at around 11am, by that time  all of my mommy friends had already cleaned the house, wiped up at least 3 pukes and changed 6 diapers—If I’m cleaning up anyone’s puke, it’s my own!

9. There are way too many people out there who are married and miserable—we all know these couples and we don’t want to be them.

8. People in their 30’s are already getting divorced—some are even on their second marriage!

7. Cheating. If you’re single, you don’t have to deal with it.

6. My monthly budget is appropriately and respectively allocated to: rent, last-minute travel excursions, drinking, shopping and dining out—no worries here about paying for weddings, strollers or college funds!

5. I learn something new about myself with every person I date—even if some of them are torture, at least I’m still growing.

4. I can be spontaneous and don’t have to answer to anyone. Repeat: I can be spontaneous and don’t have to answer to anyone! 

3. The guiltless excitement and prospect of meeting a new fella EVERY time I walk out that door!

2. I still look like I’m in my 20’s—trust me, it’s true AND it gets me into trouble ;)

1. Have you seen the single guys out there lately? I’m not settling for any of those douchebags anytime soon!

And bonus reason: I have the freedom to sit here and write this top 10 while eating bonbons in front of the TV in the peace and quiet of my fab NYC apartment.

Keep trenching out there my single peeps and any time you get down about it remember—there’s a lot to be grateful for each and every day as the fabulous single person you are!

When honesty is NOT the best policy

Just like my moods, my dating life has its ups and downs. One thing that’s fairly consistent is that just when I think I have seen and heard it all, the surprises keep coming.

I went on a ‘date’ (using this term loosely) this past weekend with a guy that I met a few nights earlier at a bar. Granted, we met at the end of the night so we really didn’t get to know each other, but I did recall that he was pretty cute. He actually picked up the phone to call me to make plans instead of the typical texting back and forth. We decided to meet for a late afternoon rendezvous. I felt pretty optimistic about the possibility of a great evening.

It was a beautiful day so we went to a hotel roof bar to enjoy some time outside. There was no hiding that we were attracted to each other and both pleasantly surprised that we looked even better in daylight. We smirked and chatted a bit while I sipped my delicious mojito and he sat back drinking his beer. The conversation was a bit forced but nevertheless, it flowed. I’m not really sure how many red flags I encountered within the first 30 minutes because, well, I had to stop counting.

I quickly learned that this 27 year old fella had been laid off from his bartending job a few days ago. I could tell that it was all still very raw for him. He was bitter and openly expressing his concern about not knowing how he was going to pay rent (I started to feel a little guilty about the $16 mojito that I just ordered).  I gave him some words of encouragement and the conversation moved on (temporarily). 

Schmo—let’s call him Schmo, well, because he was one—went on to fill me in about how he grew up in Michigan until he was about 17 years old, after which he was kicked out of his parent’s house. Then he headed south to attend university. He went on to attend 5 different colleges, in 4 different states. Schmo didn’t manage to graduate from any of them, but he says he learned a lot. This Schmo also didn’t like to stay in one place for too long (maybe the law was following him?). Actually, he did mention an arrest when he was 16, for breaking and entering…I won’t get into it.  Next up is his family situation...Schmo doesn’t have a relationship with his parents—at all. “I might send my mom an email tomorrow to wish her a happy mother’s day,” are his exact words. What a doll. I decide not to judge and to give this Schmo a proper chance, he’s cute and I haven’t been on a date in a while.

We leave the fabulous roof bar to find something "cheaper" where we can watch the game. As we pass a nearby pub we see a sign for happy hour, he’s sold. Schmo asks the bartender about the specials. $10 bud light pitchers—he looks and asks me if that’s ok. Sure why not, I got this one, I say. “Ok” he (a little too) gladly says. I’m irritated but whatever, I’m a sport. Schmo starts chatting up the bartenders, I could tell he was not just being friendly, Schmo had an agenda, this Schmo wanted a job. A few minutes later one of the bartenders takes a break from behind the bar to enjoy his tobacco dip. Guess what?? Schmo likes dip, too. He even had his own tub with him—what a coincidence! Would I mind if he partook at the bar? Go for it. After about 20 mins of watching him spit into a cup, I ordered 2 shots of jack. I was already buzzed, what else was I going to do?

As I anticipated, a few minutes later, Schmo takes out a resume to hand to the bartender. It was a little awkward but I guess I admire his motivation, or at least I should. Mind if I take a look, I ask? Sure. The first line, his objective, says ‘seeking full time employment’. Here, take it back I don’t need to see it…2 more shots please! 

3 pitchers and 3 shots later, we were making friends all over the bar. Somehow 7 hours had gone by with this Schmo but now it was time to make a decision. He had told me earlier that he had to stop by a birthday party down the street and invited me to join.

Who’s the friend, I innocently ask? Oh, just a female friend of mine. Cool, I say…contemplating if I want to keep the night going or head home. Well if you are going to come, then there is something I should tell you, he says. There is an uncomfortable pause. I’ve hooked up with the friend who’s birthday it is. Umm…ok I say.  So then if I go, would that be weird for you…or for her, I ask?  No, he says…I just wanted to let you know so that there aren’t any surprises. Umm ok, I repeat. There is another long pause as I mull it all over in my head. Like how long ago are we talking about here, I ask? Umm…I don’t know…like last night, he says.

I look at Schmo in what I imagine can only be described as sheer and utter disbelief—I was dumfounded. The scene went something like this....WHAT?!?! Are you SERIOUS?? Are you really trying to take me to a birthday party right now for a friend who you just had sex with LAST NIGHT?!?! WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME THIS, ARE YOU AN IDIOT!?!  Schmo tells me that he’s mad at himself for being "so honest". Yea well you should be, I say! I’ve met a lot of Schmo’s in my time but never one quite like this.  Many, many expletives later I made him leave the bar and warned him to never call me again. At least he made my decision easy.

Moral of this story: Don’t mess with a Schmo, even an honest one.

   

If you weren’t such a douchebag, I would totally do you

Despite popular belief, more times than not—it’s the man—not the woman, who can’t handle or execute a casual relationship. Listen up men, women were not just put on this heavenly earth to clean your house and make babies, we too have a healthy sexual appetite that we need to satisfy. So what’s the problem? Men and women just typically have very different thoughts about how a coveted 'friend with benefits' setup should work…which leads us to the five key steps for success that are outlined below.

5 Must-Do’s to Get the Friend With Benefits Situation of Your Dreams

Communicate—Be upfront. As soon as you know that’s all you want, tell the other person. Don’t worry about hurting anyone’s feelings…chances are that you’re not that special and they probably only want that too! By making sure you are both on the same page from the beginning, you will get out of doing all sorts of things—including, not having to participate in fancy dinners, holiday gifts, spooning or hand holding (sigh in relief).

Don’t be afraid to meet out in public—Even though you are not 'dating', there’s no reason you can’t meet each other out. It will make you both feel more comfortable. If you don’t want to be seen out in public because you have a girlfriend (or boyfriend) or better yet a wife (or husband), well then, you are just a douchebag. 

Set it up in advance—There’s nothing worse than getting a text at 4am trying to set up a rendezvous.  Can you even put two words together in the condition you are in, you cutie pie? It’s always better to hit each other up earlier in the evening to make tentative plans. What’s better than knowing you have a sure thing at the end of the night? You can always cancel—but trust me, it’s better than attempting your first reach out late night and risking that your steamy friend with benefits has already settled for some other late night caller or worse, is already asleep (opportunity missed).

Make contact within 2 days after—You don’t have to ‘call the next day’ but sending a flirty text or email after you ravish each other will keep it interesting and exciting for both of you.  It will also show that there’s a level of respect between you (important). And oh by the way, this is the perfect time to brush up on your sexting and phone sex skills—get on it.

Keep it semi-regular—Let’s face it, it’s not easy to create a functional friend with benefits situation in the first place…so why ruin it by going off the map after you hang out. Then you risk turning the other person off, losing the momentum, and having to start back at square one every time you see each other. That’s just dumb, and a lot of extra work. You both want to have sex and lots of it too, so be sure to keep it going—I’m just sayin!

For more about douchebags, read my prior post--5 sure signs that you are dealing with a douchebag.

5 sure signs that you are dealing with a douchebag

He has referred to you as 'Miss <your first name goes here>'.

This may seem cute and endearing at first but please don’t fall for it. History has shown time and time again that this guy is a professional douchebag. Run for the hills before you are weaved into his tangled web—trust me.

He overuses emoticons ;) or '!' in texts and emails.

Ok, we’ve all seen this one before. This is the fastest way to appear like you are:

A: insecure—you need to make sure we understand your mood and intent for every word

B: a serial texter—you know more shorthand than my teenage cousin

C: annoying!!!!!!! ;) XO :*)

D: really a chick—come on, only our girlfriends can get away with this kind of texting

He contacts you regularly but he’s always ‘working’ or hanging out ‘with the boys’.

Excuses, excuses and lots of ‘em. The fact is that men like—no men need—regular female contact, both physically and emotionally. So rest assured, if he’s not getting both of these types of attention that he craves from you—he’s getting it somewhere else. He probably already has a girlfriend, or several. If he’s into you he will make time to see you. Case closed.

You haven’t heard from him in 4 or more days.

Momentum is gone. Refer to answer above.

He’s often looking to say 'hi' or hang out at 3am (or really this goes for any time after 11pm).

He’s just a douchebag.