My 2011 dating year in review

Something old, something new, something tried and something true. 

Well folks, another year’s in the bag. Can’t really say that I was a big fan of 2011 but it sure brought many stories and learning experiences. Let’s take a quick walk down memory lane, shall we?

Something OLD

For those of you who have been following my blog for a while, I’m sure you have noticed that I have a ridiculous amount of guys in my life who for whatever reason just never go away. You can argue whatever you’d like about the reasoning, “he just broke up with his girl,” “he likes the attention,” “you respond to his texts,” etc., etc., trust me I have heard it all before.  The fact of the matter is that I have in some cases ignored these guys and in some cases indulged them, depending on the person and circumstance. I have given many of them beyond the benefit of the doubt (when they didn’t deserve it) and ample opportunity to redeem themselves, yet they always failed. Reflection moving forward: Some people DO deserve a second chance, but when they constantly underwhelm you, it’s really time to move on and not look back.

Something NEW

Online dating…I’ve been hearing all the hype for YEARS. I have a few friends who met online and ended up getting married. That’s great for them. I really pushed myself outside of my comfort zone this year and gave it a three month test. I met some interesting fellas but in the end they were guys I felt less compatible with than those I met in person and the experience just wasn’t for me. I’m not really a picture posting, profile writing type of person and it all felt very unauthentic, contrived and catalog-like to me. No disrespect to anyone using these services...if it works for you, then keep at it. And hey, you never know I may try it again someday but I do believe it’s just not for everyone and that everyone includes me (at the moment).  Reflection moving forward: The world is changing with many new dating channels out there and while they may not all be a good fit for you...it’s still worth giving them a chance.

Something TRIED

In 2011, more than any other year that I can recall, I tried going out with guys who I wasn’t gaga with from the get go. This may seem like a minor milestone but for someone like me who is guided by my gut, vibes, chemistry, and typically knows in 30 seconds if I am going to be interested in dating someone, it really took a lot of effort. What did I learn from these experiences? I met some really, really, nice guys and had some amazing dates but in the end I still wasn’t interested in any of them enough to keep it going. Reflection moving forward: Broaden your dating pool and give the nice guys who you might not be crazy about at first a chance…but don’t get your hopes up because in the end you’re probably just not going to be that into them. 

Something TRUE

I am a total romantic. I have a lot to offer and would love to meet that "don’t want to live without you type of person." But, regardless of whom I might go out with or how I met them, I stay true to myself. I’m not impressed by fancy dinners and gifts. Yes, they are nice but they are not going to persuade me to keep dating someone. If I’m not being treated properly or given the effort, consideration and respect that I deserve then I walk away. I try as best I can to be honest and open with guys so as to not lead them on, mistreat, or blow them off…I try to treat them how I’d like to be treated. I’ve been single waaayyy to long in this crazy city to settle now. Reflection moving forward: We all make mistakes but if we stay true to ourselves it will keep us moving forward to become an even better  person. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! 

Thank you for being a great sounding board this year. Your comments, likes, and stories have all helped me get through each day with compassion and laughs. Wishing you all lots of love in your life for 2012.

Dating Quirks That Drive Us Nuts!!!

We’ve all seen the hilarious Seinfeld episodes that feature unbearable daters, à la “she eats her peas one at a time.” Well, that’s actually one of my favorite things about dating, the quirks.  Sure, you have some interesting friends and acquaintances…but only when you cross that special dating line, do you get down to the really nitty-gritty, juicy, peculiar stuff that most people don’t want others to know about. 

I’ve dated some weirdos (gasp, shocking—right?) and I’m thrilled to find out that you have, too! Here’s a few of my own faves and a few shared by friends. You can decide for yourself which YOU would put up with.

The Toddler

“Look, ma—no hands!” He’s the guy who’s still OBSESSED with his penis. He pees with the door wide open using no hands (turns disastrous if something else suddenly catches his attention,) he walks around shaking and dangling his stuff whenever he can, and he still pees in the shower—ALL the time. Come on man, get a GRIP!

The Cross Dresser

He thinks it’s a turn on to wear whatever of yours he can get his hands on…garters, stockings, heels, bustier, and even Halloween wigs. Newsflash: most women do NOT like this, and WILL run out the door.

The Poor Groomer

He clips his nails in the kitchen sink. Umm—is there something wrong with the bathroom? My solution: save the clippings and serve him an extra side dish with his next meal!

The TMI’er

You just had sex and now he wants to tell you how he’s “slept with 9 other girls in the past 2 months” and how “the ‘younger girls’ really have no idea what they are doing.” REALLY?? Let’s reinstate the no talking after sex rule, thanks. 

The Mustache Metro

He spends HOURS in front of the mirror. If one piece of his hair, mustache, goatee or whatever is the slightest bit out of place, his whole day is ruined and hence, so is yours. Get over yourself, I know I did!

The Disturbed

He says things to you like “you look so good I want to chloroform you” or “let me know if you can’t breathe” as he chokes your throat. ALWAYS sleep with one eye open with this one!

The Fanatical Gum Chewer

He never stops chewing gum. Seriously, never! I mean who doesn’t love a good piece of gum? Especially in those early dating days when you care about your breath...but if you’re burning through 3 packs a day—3 words—annoying oral fixation.

That’s just the tip of the iceberg—there are SO many more to share, I might need to make this a series! Send me your favorites and it might be featured in one of my posts. And while you’re at it, don’t forget to share my blog with your friends and connect with me on facebook and twitter.

Riiidiculous online dating profile personalities--categorized!!

As many of you know, I took my very first plunge into online dating earlier this year. Late bloomer, yes I know. It was a brief but memorable 3 month experiment which resulted in a few dates (more to come on that later) and plenty of characters.

Like a good blogger, I created a little keepsake highlighting some of my favorite ridicoulsness seen in the headlines, descriptions and emails that landed on my screen.  They are all to be taken literally—word for word—because that is how they were encountered. Some make you laugh out loud, some make you cringe, but most just make you say REALLY???...and I have no doubt that fellow singlers have come across some of the very same exact ones in your online journeys.

I realize there are plenty of people out there who are a little more serious about online dating than those listed here...but pointing out those in this particular post wouldn't be nearly as much fun. Enjoy ;)

The Annoying

• Has adonis DNA
• Things that go vvrrrmm
• I'll be your Superhero today
• I'm a gentleman and a gentle man, and you're really going to like me. :-) So write me!

The Insecure

• Are you going to look at my profile or say hi ;-)
• I would date me
• FYI: I'm awesome.

The NOT-So-Cutesy

• If You Show Me Yours, I'll Show You Mine
• A knight in pre-owned armor
• Bring me home when you're mom's not
• I was wondering maybe could I make you my baby

The Ridiculous

• I can make you believe it's butter
• Geek by day, warrior by night
• My profile is like smelling your favorite dish with a blindfold on, you know it will look as delicious as it smells (note: he had no pic)

The Cheezball

• Baby, your're a Firework!
• Single as a Dollar Bill
• Your pot of gold is right here!!!
• Hello...Is it you I'm lookin for?
• Eurotrash at its best! (could be funny but based on his profile, he wasn't kidding)

The Desperate

• I'm vicious, delicious, nutritious
• Looking for Good-Looking
• Great real estate! It's a buyer's market! They call him their “favorite” design yet. They truly have set the bar high for other competitors to try and achieve the same. This unit does not have any leaks, creaks, cracks or holes (except one, hence the For Sale ad)

The Shady

• Don't ask why I don't have a pic up....I did, now I don't.....I'll send you one... :)
• Hello from Prison! (would be clever if they didn't look the part!)
• If I don't write back immediately, Don't Panic!! :) I get quite a few messages, so I will respond, just give me a chance. (get OVER yourself!)
• Im only on here for the free trial so if you're looking for trouble im your man lol ;P

The Shifty

• I live in the suburbs but wrote nyc for more search options
• Just moved to the city and looking to make some new friends!
• Basically I am looking for a girl that I am really attracted to that is fun as hell but still loves to be a girlie! I guess the kind of girl that looks like she would be a stuck up pain in the ass but is really great once you get to know her

The Dirrrrtttyyyy

• Diving in head first.  (OK maybe just my mind is dirty?)
• Wanderlust...
• Once you go brown you'll always be down...
• Am thirsty i need you
• When you are gonna feel me, then I'm yours.
• I'm a great catch!! I just been swimming in polluted waters lately ;P

The Idiot

• Conversation is a big must, there's nothing worse than trying to talk to a wall.
• Love life to dead!
• My best qualities are my extreme intelligence, perfect body and insanely good sense of humor

The Illiterate

• You can check my profile an now more is all there, and all i need is a reasonable companion that can make me fill like a man what can i say or write about that gonna put me at the top of the list
• Life's SHORT! I wnat to PLAY HARD!!
• I'm using all my strengths and my means for you, but please don't loose the destiny, and the real opportunity offered to us online
• You and I were born to be together, to share and enjoy everything of our lives together, to handle all the obstacles of life together, to look the life as children do or even that we were born two months ago, and not to see it as adults or middle adults instead.

And finally….

The Semi-Clever

• Unbelievable, even my gay friends are getting married before I am. I mean...good for them. Good for them.
• I’ve given up on meeting my soulmate when she's totally wasted at the bar
• If love was blind why is Lingerie so Popular?
• Please don't ask me for free Botox. (He’s was a Dr.)

THE END.


Keep up with SS on facebook and twitter!

MATCH.COM—WHO THE F*CK ARE THESE PEOPLE!?!?!

Those of you who have been following me on Facebook already know that for the first time EVER I recently plunged into the abyss of online dating. If you know me at all—then you know this decision was EPIC. My experience so far however, has been anything but.

I set up my profile on a whim late one night (no i wasn't drunk you smartass...ok well maybe there were a couple of glasses of wine on hand) pretty quickly for fear that if I took too long to think about what I was doing that I would chicken out and walk away. Over the course of the first week I had so many mixed emotions about the whole experience and probably changed my profile verbiage about 4 million times—what can I say, I’m new to this! I was terrified and excited all at once. On the one hand, I didn't like the idea of all sorts of men—all over the universe (including some I already knew/dated), peering over words and pictures pertaining to this 'ol single gal (especially from the distant comfort of their own bedroom, if you know what I mean)! On the other hand, I anticipated a flurry of new and amazing eligible bachelors to flood my inbox—and sure enough, like a Tsunami—THINGS happened.

I will never forget my initial reaction to the first few days of searching and being searched on Match.com—ready for it??? WHO THE F*CK ARE THESE PEOPLE!!!!!!!!! I remember this reaction so clearly because I still have it EVERY time I log on to this site. Now don’t get me wrong, I'm not a snob and despite what some of you may say, my expectations are NOT too high (trust me)!  I admit I am still new to the whole experience but my first impression is that I really don't know how "1 in 5 relationships start on Match.com" (or whatever the hell they claim). A month and a half in on this site with millions of singles, I've only been out with ONE guy so far and he turned out to be a case file (to be included in a later report). It's not that I'm not getting attention on there, quite the contrary actually. It's just that these guys are B-R-U-T-A-L. From what I have seen so far, these guys are WORSE than the guys I meet out there in the “real world” and you can bet that I NEVER imagined to be PAYING FOR THAT.

Anyways, there will be PLENTY more to come on this topic. In the meantime, here's a top 5 that will hopefully get your weekend laughter started a little early...

5 Ways NOT to grab my attention (or probably anyone else’s) on Match.com

5. Bait and switch.

In case you are unfamiliar with the term, here are a few scenarios. Your profile picture: 
-Is ridiculously blurry.
What exactly are you hiding from?? On to the next...
-Is taken SO far away that i can't even make out if you are a man.
Again, what are you hiding from? (My guess is a girlfriend)

-Is you wearing a hat.
So basically what you are saying is that you either still dress like you are 20yrs old or most likely, you are bald or have a receding hairline. (Personally, I don't mind bald but COME ON, we know this trick—just show us a genuine shot up front please)

-Is you with no shirt on or taking a picture of yourself in front of a mirror.
Wow, cheesy and creepy—NO thanks.

4. You can’t spell. 

Look, we all make these mistakes from time to time but spell check is out there and you still have a profile littered with misspellings--REALLY??? You’re either overly careless, not that bright, foreign (not that there's anything wrong with that)—or all 3 of the above.

3. You mention an ex in your description. 

For example, "I recently moved to NYC for my ex and it didn't work out so now I'm on here". SERIOUSLY??? Which part of that do you think WE want to hear in the first 15 seconds of reading your profile...I guarantee he would spend half of the date talking about his ex. Move on buddy.

2. Simple formula: I wink + you wink back = game over. 

Get some balls and make a REAL move!!

1. Cut and paste. 

Seeing is believing...here are just a few of the ridiculous emails I received on this wonderful dating site. Please note, I have not edited a word! All I will say is that I can't imagine how many women have received these exact emails!

Email from a 36yr old: (this one is my favorite)

"Listen, you have the most contagious smile I've ever seen! It's like being at the carnival or blowing bubbles when you were a kid- you can't help but break out into a huge grin!...Very Attractive!

You seem very down to earth, i like that.. Only way to be in my book, seriously...."

Part of an email from another 36yr old, this one lives in Florida (the entire email was just too long to share!):

"The woman in Florida are so rude that I have decided to look in the NYC area. Tell me more about yourself.I am not into mind games,drugs or drama. Please feel free to call me at anytime at (561)XXX-XXXX.If you are interested please leave me a voicemail with your contact number and I shall call ya back. Since you love to travel maybe there is a chance you can come down to Florida this summer."

From a 42yr old:

"How do you feel about cat's ?"

 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That's all  I can take for now folks but you can bet on more Match.com rants to come…

10 Reasons I am Happy to be Single in my 30’s

10. I didn’t have to get out of bed today until I decided to do so at around 11am, by that time  all of my mommy friends had already cleaned the house, wiped up at least 3 pukes and changed 6 diapers—If I’m cleaning up anyone’s puke, it’s my own!

9. There are way too many people out there who are married and miserable—we all know these couples and we don’t want to be them.

8. People in their 30’s are already getting divorced—some are even on their second marriage!

7. Cheating. If you’re single, you don’t have to deal with it.

6. My monthly budget is appropriately and respectively allocated to: rent, last-minute travel excursions, drinking, shopping and dining out—no worries here about paying for weddings, strollers or college funds!

5. I learn something new about myself with every person I date—even if some of them are torture, at least I’m still growing.

4. I can be spontaneous and don’t have to answer to anyone. Repeat: I can be spontaneous and don’t have to answer to anyone! 

3. The guiltless excitement and prospect of meeting a new fella EVERY time I walk out that door!

2. I still look like I’m in my 20’s—trust me, it’s true AND it gets me into trouble ;)

1. Have you seen the single guys out there lately? I’m not settling for any of those douchebags anytime soon!

And bonus reason: I have the freedom to sit here and write this top 10 while eating bonbons in front of the TV in the peace and quiet of my fab NYC apartment.

Keep trenching out there my single peeps and any time you get down about it remember—there’s a lot to be grateful for each and every day as the fabulous single person you are!

So......how many guys out there still have my number??

Ok, I give out my number at bars—guilty as charged! I did it again this weekend…but there’s always a reason or story, right? Sometimes I am indeed into the guy but many times it’s just easier to give up your digits than to deal with the awkwardness of rejecting someone on the spot. We used to be able to get away with giving out a wrong name or number—leaving us off the hook and leaving our suitor with a glimmer of hope that out of the 10 different numbers he got that night, ours just might be the one that will actually work.

Times are different now. Guys are more saavy and have wised up to our antics. You can’t just give out a fake number like you used to because there’s no more writing it down on a dirty, wet, bar napkin and hoping that it gets misplaced or the ink bleeds it illegible.  Those days are gone.  Now guys want to immediately add you into their phone and call you right then and there so you have their number too and most importantly so that they can see you if you are being legit! And if they are REALLY into you—or is it—if they are really aggressive, or really manic, or really into social connections—they will want to immediately synch you up on their chats, facebook and twitter, too.  Whoo-hoo!

But wait….didn’t we just meet?!? You’re already browsing pictures of me online, reading my status updates, checking out my friends and connecting with me all day, every day?? What's up with that? Did you just want to make sure it wasn’t the beer goggles and that I’m as cute as you remembered before making a move? Are you trying to increase your number of facebook friends? Do you have ADD or need constant attention? Whatever the reason, make no mistake—this is NOT the way to go.

The reality is, if you give someone your number, it means that you are potentially into them. This means depending on your interactions, things could easily, and quickly, go either way—full on head over heels or get me the hell out of here fast! Unfortunately, there’s not much room in between when you connect full throttle too soon—so why rush it?  As women, we will likely overanalyze everything (sorry, but it’s true) we see and read on this new guys fb page, bbm updates, etc.  As a guy, this new immersion into everything about you will likely fulfill instant gratifications but will not offer enough of the mystery we know you so often crave in the early stages of dating.

We rarely use the phone to talk anymore and it’s difficult enough to get to know someone over texts—which already seems to be like sooooo yesterday. By adding more layers of connections—a crash course into both of your personal lives—from day one, things are bound to get complicated fast.  Call me old fashioned (you wouldn’t be the first) but in the beginning—isn’t the fun part discovering things about each other together as they happen, as opposed to learning about each other solo in the confinement of your own home via your laptop or iphone?  Connections are so important so make them real and make them count!

‘A hidden connection is stronger than an obvious one.’ --Heraclitus of Ephesus

Cougar or pedophile?

Two very distinct…and seemingly unrelated words—yet is it possible the line between them is blurring?

First let’s do a definition check…what exactly is a ‘Cougar’? It is almost universally defined as a slang term for a woman in her 30s or 40s (although it used to be just 40 and up) who seeks out, preys on and actively pursues casual sexual relationships (that’s what it says!) with young men (typically at least 10 years younger).

Now let’s compare that with the definition of a pedophile......An adult who is sexually attracted to young children.  

Do you see why there might be some confusion on the interpretation of these two terms?  This question came to mind when I met a friend out for a few drinks after work. From the outside, it was a seemingly regular happy hour spot but as soon as we walked in—we felt OLD. Now, I have to admit…we both look pretty young for our age and can easily hang in any circle—but looking around at this sea of underage boys, I felt like just even smiling at one of them would be committing some perverted crime. I mean, just HOW young could they really be because they all looked around 19 years old—and well, that could be a problem. Are we supposed to start proofing guys now before even making eye contact?

You may be surprised to hear this but we fled that bar like two cougars being hunted down and hope to never return! Yet a few nights later I was faced with the very same question at a swanky spot in the neighborhood. I walked up to the bar to order a few drinks for my friends and met a cute guy sitting next to me. He just got off his shift bartending somewhere else and stopped in to have a night cap—a scotch on the rocks.  We quickly immersed into a great conversation and before you know it two hours had gone by.  As we were profoundly debating the big bang theory—joking—but whatever it is that we were talking about it—it was pretty deep, not your typical first introduction conversation. Then...I’m not really sure how it came up but he made a reference to just getting out of school and I nearly spit out my drink. Just how old are you, I coolly ask? He replies –22--! Ok, not to be an ageist here...but do you know any 22 year old guys who would go out ALONE on a Saturday night and sit at a crowded bar drinking scotch on the rocks? There were just no warning signs about this one!  And by the way…didn’t he just legally start drinking last year (mental note: he would have a lot of catching up to do).

So in my head now, I’m wondering…what exactly is my cut off age—18, 20, 22? This was getting ridiculous. I was skeptical but I convinced myself that since we spoke for more than two hours upon meeting that he MUST be special and to just go with it. (Side note: This might explain why friends keep calling me a cougar).  I gave him my number and left.  He sent me a really sweet, perfectly worded ‘nice meeting you’ type of text the following day. However, if I had paid closer attention to my own rules…I would have been forewarned by his usage of ‘Miss <your first name goes here>’ in his very first text—as I previously outlined in my 5 sure signs that you are dealing with a douchebag post.

I have to admit, I felt a little dirty telling my friends that I was going out with such a youngin…and knew there would be no end in sight to the jokes that were about to come my way for this one. Nevertheless, we went on two really long, romantic dates. There was something really sweet about this lil fella as he tried to impress me with thoughtful plans and took me to hip and trendy spots. The problem, for me, was that he also tried just a little too hard to get me back to his place every time. With each failed attempt at getting in my pants his persistence finally wore off and alas, he was phased out—sparing me from crossing my newly defined personal pedophilia grey line (I may have to copyright this phrase).

In my opinion, the term cougar has become so mainstream and liberally used nowadays that it seems to simply refer to a woman dating a younger guy, regardless of age. It’s amusing that the general public subscribes to the notion that ‘cougars’ are out there hunting rather than being hunted.  In my experience, I have seen the opposite...so maybe everyone is just more open-minded about age when choosing dates, lovers and partners nowadays.  While age disparity tolerance levels are personal, that fine line does exist out there—it’s just different for everyone.  My lesson in this one is that while this cub was surprisingly mature, well versed and a GREAT conversationist…I’m trying to narrow my age gap just a little to something that works better for me. So while I’m still open to dating younger guys, I might not go quite so young (into the early 20’s) like some of the more certified cougars out there.

You can definitely bet on more postings on cougar topics to come…

If you weren’t such a douchebag, I would totally do you

Despite popular belief, more times than not—it’s the man—not the woman, who can’t handle or execute a casual relationship. Listen up men, women were not just put on this heavenly earth to clean your house and make babies, we too have a healthy sexual appetite that we need to satisfy. So what’s the problem? Men and women just typically have very different thoughts about how a coveted 'friend with benefits' setup should work…which leads us to the five key steps for success that are outlined below.

5 Must-Do’s to Get the Friend With Benefits Situation of Your Dreams

Communicate—Be upfront. As soon as you know that’s all you want, tell the other person. Don’t worry about hurting anyone’s feelings…chances are that you’re not that special and they probably only want that too! By making sure you are both on the same page from the beginning, you will get out of doing all sorts of things—including, not having to participate in fancy dinners, holiday gifts, spooning or hand holding (sigh in relief).

Don’t be afraid to meet out in public—Even though you are not 'dating', there’s no reason you can’t meet each other out. It will make you both feel more comfortable. If you don’t want to be seen out in public because you have a girlfriend (or boyfriend) or better yet a wife (or husband), well then, you are just a douchebag. 

Set it up in advance—There’s nothing worse than getting a text at 4am trying to set up a rendezvous.  Can you even put two words together in the condition you are in, you cutie pie? It’s always better to hit each other up earlier in the evening to make tentative plans. What’s better than knowing you have a sure thing at the end of the night? You can always cancel—but trust me, it’s better than attempting your first reach out late night and risking that your steamy friend with benefits has already settled for some other late night caller or worse, is already asleep (opportunity missed).

Make contact within 2 days after—You don’t have to ‘call the next day’ but sending a flirty text or email after you ravish each other will keep it interesting and exciting for both of you.  It will also show that there’s a level of respect between you (important). And oh by the way, this is the perfect time to brush up on your sexting and phone sex skills—get on it.

Keep it semi-regular—Let’s face it, it’s not easy to create a functional friend with benefits situation in the first place…so why ruin it by going off the map after you hang out. Then you risk turning the other person off, losing the momentum, and having to start back at square one every time you see each other. That’s just dumb, and a lot of extra work. You both want to have sex and lots of it too, so be sure to keep it going—I’m just sayin!

For more about douchebags, read my prior post--5 sure signs that you are dealing with a douchebag.

5 sure signs that you are dealing with a douchebag

He has referred to you as 'Miss <your first name goes here>'.

This may seem cute and endearing at first but please don’t fall for it. History has shown time and time again that this guy is a professional douchebag. Run for the hills before you are weaved into his tangled web—trust me.

He overuses emoticons ;) or '!' in texts and emails.

Ok, we’ve all seen this one before. This is the fastest way to appear like you are:

A: insecure—you need to make sure we understand your mood and intent for every word

B: a serial texter—you know more shorthand than my teenage cousin

C: annoying!!!!!!! ;) XO :*)

D: really a chick—come on, only our girlfriends can get away with this kind of texting

He contacts you regularly but he’s always ‘working’ or hanging out ‘with the boys’.

Excuses, excuses and lots of ‘em. The fact is that men like—no men need—regular female contact, both physically and emotionally. So rest assured, if he’s not getting both of these types of attention that he craves from you—he’s getting it somewhere else. He probably already has a girlfriend, or several. If he’s into you he will make time to see you. Case closed.

You haven’t heard from him in 4 or more days.

Momentum is gone. Refer to answer above.

He’s often looking to say 'hi' or hang out at 3am (or really this goes for any time after 11pm).

He’s just a douchebag.