Cougar or pedophile?

Two very distinct…and seemingly unrelated words—yet is it possible the line between them is blurring?

First let’s do a definition check…what exactly is a ‘Cougar’? It is almost universally defined as a slang term for a woman in her 30s or 40s (although it used to be just 40 and up) who seeks out, preys on and actively pursues casual sexual relationships (that’s what it says!) with young men (typically at least 10 years younger).

Now let’s compare that with the definition of a pedophile......An adult who is sexually attracted to young children.  

Do you see why there might be some confusion on the interpretation of these two terms?  This question came to mind when I met a friend out for a few drinks after work. From the outside, it was a seemingly regular happy hour spot but as soon as we walked in—we felt OLD. Now, I have to admit…we both look pretty young for our age and can easily hang in any circle—but looking around at this sea of underage boys, I felt like just even smiling at one of them would be committing some perverted crime. I mean, just HOW young could they really be because they all looked around 19 years old—and well, that could be a problem. Are we supposed to start proofing guys now before even making eye contact?

You may be surprised to hear this but we fled that bar like two cougars being hunted down and hope to never return! Yet a few nights later I was faced with the very same question at a swanky spot in the neighborhood. I walked up to the bar to order a few drinks for my friends and met a cute guy sitting next to me. He just got off his shift bartending somewhere else and stopped in to have a night cap—a scotch on the rocks.  We quickly immersed into a great conversation and before you know it two hours had gone by.  As we were profoundly debating the big bang theory—joking—but whatever it is that we were talking about it—it was pretty deep, not your typical first introduction conversation. Then...I’m not really sure how it came up but he made a reference to just getting out of school and I nearly spit out my drink. Just how old are you, I coolly ask? He replies –22--! Ok, not to be an ageist here...but do you know any 22 year old guys who would go out ALONE on a Saturday night and sit at a crowded bar drinking scotch on the rocks? There were just no warning signs about this one!  And by the way…didn’t he just legally start drinking last year (mental note: he would have a lot of catching up to do).

So in my head now, I’m wondering…what exactly is my cut off age—18, 20, 22? This was getting ridiculous. I was skeptical but I convinced myself that since we spoke for more than two hours upon meeting that he MUST be special and to just go with it. (Side note: This might explain why friends keep calling me a cougar).  I gave him my number and left.  He sent me a really sweet, perfectly worded ‘nice meeting you’ type of text the following day. However, if I had paid closer attention to my own rules…I would have been forewarned by his usage of ‘Miss <your first name goes here>’ in his very first text—as I previously outlined in my 5 sure signs that you are dealing with a douchebag post.

I have to admit, I felt a little dirty telling my friends that I was going out with such a youngin…and knew there would be no end in sight to the jokes that were about to come my way for this one. Nevertheless, we went on two really long, romantic dates. There was something really sweet about this lil fella as he tried to impress me with thoughtful plans and took me to hip and trendy spots. The problem, for me, was that he also tried just a little too hard to get me back to his place every time. With each failed attempt at getting in my pants his persistence finally wore off and alas, he was phased out—sparing me from crossing my newly defined personal pedophilia grey line (I may have to copyright this phrase).

In my opinion, the term cougar has become so mainstream and liberally used nowadays that it seems to simply refer to a woman dating a younger guy, regardless of age. It’s amusing that the general public subscribes to the notion that ‘cougars’ are out there hunting rather than being hunted.  In my experience, I have seen the opposite...so maybe everyone is just more open-minded about age when choosing dates, lovers and partners nowadays.  While age disparity tolerance levels are personal, that fine line does exist out there—it’s just different for everyone.  My lesson in this one is that while this cub was surprisingly mature, well versed and a GREAT conversationist…I’m trying to narrow my age gap just a little to something that works better for me. So while I’m still open to dating younger guys, I might not go quite so young (into the early 20’s) like some of the more certified cougars out there.

You can definitely bet on more postings on cougar topics to come…

The Aardvark.

Aardvark (ahrd-vahrk) – noun

A large, nocturnal, burrowing mammal (Orycteropus afer) of Africa, having a long tubular snout, extensile tongue, long ears and powerful digging claws. Also known as an uncircumcised penis.

For me, this has always been somewhat of a legend—kind of like Bigfoot—you’ve heard about it over the years but never really encountered one for yourself so you aren’t really sure whether or not it actually exists.  Well, let me tell you, these purportedly cheeky anteaters ARE out there—and they may just turn up in your bedroom when you least expect! Here’s how my first encounter went down…

It was a Thursday night and I met a girlfriend out at a random Irish pub. A couple of guys started to chat us up. She was into one, I wasn’t into the other but then—long and behold, a friend of theirs showed up. At first glance he was from head to toe…well, delicious. He was young—but not too young, shaved head, beautiful blue eyes, fit—but not too fit, and sporting a few cool tattoos. We instantly locked eyes and it was game on! The night carried us off to a few other pubs. Many drinks (and shots) later I learned that he had only been in the States for a few months. He was fresh off the boat from Ireland and had the HOT accent to prove it.  Let’s continue to call him ‘he’ since I can’t remember his name—although I do recall it was a Celtic name that I had never heard of and that I had trouble pronouncing. Needless to say, I was intrigued...and before you know it we were making out at the bar.

Fast forward to MANY more drinks (and shots) later…one thing led to another and we were back at my place. We were HOT for each other—clothes came off fast as we were rolling around in the heat of sheer passion.........and then.......GASP! There. IT. Was.  For the first time in my life—I was face to face with an aardvark—the unusual, fearless figure that I had only heard about.  All I could think was—what, he couldn’t give me a little forewarning—maybe a little heads up? (Oh yes, those puns are intended).  Well I had to make a decision about this one and fast! Was I going to feign a drunken illness and kick this hot young lad out of my place? Or was I going to proceed, full speed ahead into this unchartered territory while trying my best not to awkwardly stare at this face that only a father could love that was right in front of me? Well...the beast was already unleashed so what the hell, right?  

It was a wild, steamy night. So much so that I called in sick to work the next day (rare occurrence) and we continued to enjoy a hot and heavy morning-after. When it was all over I rolled out of bed feeling both dizzy and giddy—fresh hangover style. I walked him out and then I kept walking…I met a girlfriend out for a liquid lunch—couldn’t waste a sick day and I had to share this new war story with someone fast!

I never heard from that stout anteater again…and actually, I’m perfectly ok with that. Not because of his aardvark but because during pillow talk the next morning he openly shared with me that even though it has only been a few months, he was really enjoying living here because women back home (Ireland) were so difficult...and here (in NYC) he could easily sleep with at least 8-9 new women a month. Sigh. But let’s not digress. 

Ladies, please take note—these frisky nocturnal mammals are definitely out there and while they may not be as ‘pretty’ as we are used to, trust me—you do not want to judge these books by their covers, just go for it!

If you weren’t such a douchebag, I would totally do you

Despite popular belief, more times than not—it’s the man—not the woman, who can’t handle or execute a casual relationship. Listen up men, women were not just put on this heavenly earth to clean your house and make babies, we too have a healthy sexual appetite that we need to satisfy. So what’s the problem? Men and women just typically have very different thoughts about how a coveted 'friend with benefits' setup should work…which leads us to the five key steps for success that are outlined below.

5 Must-Do’s to Get the Friend With Benefits Situation of Your Dreams

Communicate—Be upfront. As soon as you know that’s all you want, tell the other person. Don’t worry about hurting anyone’s feelings…chances are that you’re not that special and they probably only want that too! By making sure you are both on the same page from the beginning, you will get out of doing all sorts of things—including, not having to participate in fancy dinners, holiday gifts, spooning or hand holding (sigh in relief).

Don’t be afraid to meet out in public—Even though you are not 'dating', there’s no reason you can’t meet each other out. It will make you both feel more comfortable. If you don’t want to be seen out in public because you have a girlfriend (or boyfriend) or better yet a wife (or husband), well then, you are just a douchebag. 

Set it up in advance—There’s nothing worse than getting a text at 4am trying to set up a rendezvous.  Can you even put two words together in the condition you are in, you cutie pie? It’s always better to hit each other up earlier in the evening to make tentative plans. What’s better than knowing you have a sure thing at the end of the night? You can always cancel—but trust me, it’s better than attempting your first reach out late night and risking that your steamy friend with benefits has already settled for some other late night caller or worse, is already asleep (opportunity missed).

Make contact within 2 days after—You don’t have to ‘call the next day’ but sending a flirty text or email after you ravish each other will keep it interesting and exciting for both of you.  It will also show that there’s a level of respect between you (important). And oh by the way, this is the perfect time to brush up on your sexting and phone sex skills—get on it.

Keep it semi-regular—Let’s face it, it’s not easy to create a functional friend with benefits situation in the first place…so why ruin it by going off the map after you hang out. Then you risk turning the other person off, losing the momentum, and having to start back at square one every time you see each other. That’s just dumb, and a lot of extra work. You both want to have sex and lots of it too, so be sure to keep it going—I’m just sayin!

For more about douchebags, read my prior post--5 sure signs that you are dealing with a douchebag.

5 sure signs that you are dealing with a douchebag

He has referred to you as 'Miss <your first name goes here>'.

This may seem cute and endearing at first but please don’t fall for it. History has shown time and time again that this guy is a professional douchebag. Run for the hills before you are weaved into his tangled web—trust me.

He overuses emoticons ;) or '!' in texts and emails.

Ok, we’ve all seen this one before. This is the fastest way to appear like you are:

A: insecure—you need to make sure we understand your mood and intent for every word

B: a serial texter—you know more shorthand than my teenage cousin

C: annoying!!!!!!! ;) XO :*)

D: really a chick—come on, only our girlfriends can get away with this kind of texting

He contacts you regularly but he’s always ‘working’ or hanging out ‘with the boys’.

Excuses, excuses and lots of ‘em. The fact is that men like—no men need—regular female contact, both physically and emotionally. So rest assured, if he’s not getting both of these types of attention that he craves from you—he’s getting it somewhere else. He probably already has a girlfriend, or several. If he’s into you he will make time to see you. Case closed.

You haven’t heard from him in 4 or more days.

Momentum is gone. Refer to answer above.

He’s often looking to say 'hi' or hang out at 3am (or really this goes for any time after 11pm).

He’s just a douchebag.