MATCH.COM—WHO THE F*CK ARE THESE PEOPLE!?!?!

Those of you who have been following me on Facebook already know that for the first time EVER I recently plunged into the abyss of online dating. If you know me at all—then you know this decision was EPIC. My experience so far however, has been anything but.

I set up my profile on a whim late one night (no i wasn't drunk you smartass...ok well maybe there were a couple of glasses of wine on hand) pretty quickly for fear that if I took too long to think about what I was doing that I would chicken out and walk away. Over the course of the first week I had so many mixed emotions about the whole experience and probably changed my profile verbiage about 4 million times—what can I say, I’m new to this! I was terrified and excited all at once. On the one hand, I didn't like the idea of all sorts of men—all over the universe (including some I already knew/dated), peering over words and pictures pertaining to this 'ol single gal (especially from the distant comfort of their own bedroom, if you know what I mean)! On the other hand, I anticipated a flurry of new and amazing eligible bachelors to flood my inbox—and sure enough, like a Tsunami—THINGS happened.

I will never forget my initial reaction to the first few days of searching and being searched on Match.com—ready for it??? WHO THE F*CK ARE THESE PEOPLE!!!!!!!!! I remember this reaction so clearly because I still have it EVERY time I log on to this site. Now don’t get me wrong, I'm not a snob and despite what some of you may say, my expectations are NOT too high (trust me)!  I admit I am still new to the whole experience but my first impression is that I really don't know how "1 in 5 relationships start on Match.com" (or whatever the hell they claim). A month and a half in on this site with millions of singles, I've only been out with ONE guy so far and he turned out to be a case file (to be included in a later report). It's not that I'm not getting attention on there, quite the contrary actually. It's just that these guys are B-R-U-T-A-L. From what I have seen so far, these guys are WORSE than the guys I meet out there in the “real world” and you can bet that I NEVER imagined to be PAYING FOR THAT.

Anyways, there will be PLENTY more to come on this topic. In the meantime, here's a top 5 that will hopefully get your weekend laughter started a little early...

5 Ways NOT to grab my attention (or probably anyone else’s) on Match.com

5. Bait and switch.

In case you are unfamiliar with the term, here are a few scenarios. Your profile picture: 
-Is ridiculously blurry.
What exactly are you hiding from?? On to the next...
-Is taken SO far away that i can't even make out if you are a man.
Again, what are you hiding from? (My guess is a girlfriend)

-Is you wearing a hat.
So basically what you are saying is that you either still dress like you are 20yrs old or most likely, you are bald or have a receding hairline. (Personally, I don't mind bald but COME ON, we know this trick—just show us a genuine shot up front please)

-Is you with no shirt on or taking a picture of yourself in front of a mirror.
Wow, cheesy and creepy—NO thanks.

4. You can’t spell. 

Look, we all make these mistakes from time to time but spell check is out there and you still have a profile littered with misspellings--REALLY??? You’re either overly careless, not that bright, foreign (not that there's anything wrong with that)—or all 3 of the above.

3. You mention an ex in your description. 

For example, "I recently moved to NYC for my ex and it didn't work out so now I'm on here". SERIOUSLY??? Which part of that do you think WE want to hear in the first 15 seconds of reading your profile...I guarantee he would spend half of the date talking about his ex. Move on buddy.

2. Simple formula: I wink + you wink back = game over. 

Get some balls and make a REAL move!!

1. Cut and paste. 

Seeing is believing...here are just a few of the ridiculous emails I received on this wonderful dating site. Please note, I have not edited a word! All I will say is that I can't imagine how many women have received these exact emails!

Email from a 36yr old: (this one is my favorite)

"Listen, you have the most contagious smile I've ever seen! It's like being at the carnival or blowing bubbles when you were a kid- you can't help but break out into a huge grin!...Very Attractive!

You seem very down to earth, i like that.. Only way to be in my book, seriously...."

Part of an email from another 36yr old, this one lives in Florida (the entire email was just too long to share!):

"The woman in Florida are so rude that I have decided to look in the NYC area. Tell me more about yourself.I am not into mind games,drugs or drama. Please feel free to call me at anytime at (561)XXX-XXXX.If you are interested please leave me a voicemail with your contact number and I shall call ya back. Since you love to travel maybe there is a chance you can come down to Florida this summer."

From a 42yr old:

"How do you feel about cat's ?"

 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That's all  I can take for now folks but you can bet on more Match.com rants to come…

Oh, how desperately I want you inside of me…

I was recently dishing with one of my guy friends about crazy things that guys/girls do when they feel like they had a connection with someone and have been rejected. He started laughing and casually browsed his iphone e-mail archives and handed it over to me for review. It was an e-mail from a chick he met a few years back that he had only hung out with a few times. As you will see, there’s really no backstory needed for this one...

WARNING: What you are about to read is an unedited e-mail this chick sent to my friend after clearly a few too many cocktails on HER BIRTHDAY!

Hey,

So it is my birthday, and this is the first time that I have e-mailed you in a very long time. But I have a few things to say: First, I think about you and really want you inside of me; that is, I want your penis inside of me and I want you to go down on me and I want to go down on you and I want to have sex with you, you make me wet when I think about you when I masturbate, which is more often than I would like; second, I am mad that you haven't e-mailed; you have really made me feel like a cheap prostitute, like someone you just wanted to fuck with, with no kind of follow up and I am not really that kind of girl. Why haven't you called or e-mailed? What is wrong with you? I don't want to be your girlfriend. I would be a terrible girlfriend, and I am sorry if I said shit like that to you a while you were at my house, you know, an ultimatum or something like that. I think that we could maybe be friends and have fun together. I kind of want you to take care of me, in an affectionate kind of way; not in a boyfriend kind of way. I apologize for the last time when I was kind of quiet. I have been dealing with a lot of shit lately.

Ok, I am going to go now because i NEED to get some water. Can we just talk. I would really like to talk,

p.s. I am coming in this weekend; do you want to meet for a drink or something? like maybe saturday night?

I think this one pretty much speaks for itself...I am sure we have ALL been tempted at one time or another to send or say these types of things but believe me—it’s not doing anything to help fight that old adage that “all girls are crazy”. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE Sassy readers—I beg you NOT to do this! I promise there are many, many, more productive and less embarrassing ways to handle a rejection or break up and I will cover that discussion soon!

In the meantime, next time you are feeling this way, write the email and send it to me or a friend instead...we promise you will feel better about it the next morning ;)

10 Reasons I am Happy to be Single in my 30’s

10. I didn’t have to get out of bed today until I decided to do so at around 11am, by that time  all of my mommy friends had already cleaned the house, wiped up at least 3 pukes and changed 6 diapers—If I’m cleaning up anyone’s puke, it’s my own!

9. There are way too many people out there who are married and miserable—we all know these couples and we don’t want to be them.

8. People in their 30’s are already getting divorced—some are even on their second marriage!

7. Cheating. If you’re single, you don’t have to deal with it.

6. My monthly budget is appropriately and respectively allocated to: rent, last-minute travel excursions, drinking, shopping and dining out—no worries here about paying for weddings, strollers or college funds!

5. I learn something new about myself with every person I date—even if some of them are torture, at least I’m still growing.

4. I can be spontaneous and don’t have to answer to anyone. Repeat: I can be spontaneous and don’t have to answer to anyone! 

3. The guiltless excitement and prospect of meeting a new fella EVERY time I walk out that door!

2. I still look like I’m in my 20’s—trust me, it’s true AND it gets me into trouble ;)

1. Have you seen the single guys out there lately? I’m not settling for any of those douchebags anytime soon!

And bonus reason: I have the freedom to sit here and write this top 10 while eating bonbons in front of the TV in the peace and quiet of my fab NYC apartment.

Keep trenching out there my single peeps and any time you get down about it remember—there’s a lot to be grateful for each and every day as the fabulous single person you are!