The Aardvark.

Aardvark (ahrd-vahrk) – noun

A large, nocturnal, burrowing mammal (Orycteropus afer) of Africa, having a long tubular snout, extensile tongue, long ears and powerful digging claws. Also known as an uncircumcised penis.

For me, this has always been somewhat of a legend—kind of like Bigfoot—you’ve heard about it over the years but never really encountered one for yourself so you aren’t really sure whether or not it actually exists.  Well, let me tell you, these purportedly cheeky anteaters ARE out there—and they may just turn up in your bedroom when you least expect! Here’s how my first encounter went down…

It was a Thursday night and I met a girlfriend out at a random Irish pub. A couple of guys started to chat us up. She was into one, I wasn’t into the other but then—long and behold, a friend of theirs showed up. At first glance he was from head to toe…well, delicious. He was young—but not too young, shaved head, beautiful blue eyes, fit—but not too fit, and sporting a few cool tattoos. We instantly locked eyes and it was game on! The night carried us off to a few other pubs. Many drinks (and shots) later I learned that he had only been in the States for a few months. He was fresh off the boat from Ireland and had the HOT accent to prove it.  Let’s continue to call him ‘he’ since I can’t remember his name—although I do recall it was a Celtic name that I had never heard of and that I had trouble pronouncing. Needless to say, I was intrigued...and before you know it we were making out at the bar.

Fast forward to MANY more drinks (and shots) later…one thing led to another and we were back at my place. We were HOT for each other—clothes came off fast as we were rolling around in the heat of sheer passion.........and then.......GASP! There. IT. Was.  For the first time in my life—I was face to face with an aardvark—the unusual, fearless figure that I had only heard about.  All I could think was—what, he couldn’t give me a little forewarning—maybe a little heads up? (Oh yes, those puns are intended).  Well I had to make a decision about this one and fast! Was I going to feign a drunken illness and kick this hot young lad out of my place? Or was I going to proceed, full speed ahead into this unchartered territory while trying my best not to awkwardly stare at this face that only a father could love that was right in front of me? Well...the beast was already unleashed so what the hell, right?  

It was a wild, steamy night. So much so that I called in sick to work the next day (rare occurrence) and we continued to enjoy a hot and heavy morning-after. When it was all over I rolled out of bed feeling both dizzy and giddy—fresh hangover style. I walked him out and then I kept walking…I met a girlfriend out for a liquid lunch—couldn’t waste a sick day and I had to share this new war story with someone fast!

I never heard from that stout anteater again…and actually, I’m perfectly ok with that. Not because of his aardvark but because during pillow talk the next morning he openly shared with me that even though it has only been a few months, he was really enjoying living here because women back home (Ireland) were so difficult...and here (in NYC) he could easily sleep with at least 8-9 new women a month. Sigh. But let’s not digress. 

Ladies, please take note—these frisky nocturnal mammals are definitely out there and while they may not be as ‘pretty’ as we are used to, trust me—you do not want to judge these books by their covers, just go for it!